Merry Single-versary...

So bumming around my house the last few days switching from pajamas to pajamas has really given me time to think about my life. Not like what I'm going to do with the rest of it or boring sh*t like that, but the fact that my anniversary is rapidly approaching. Wait...anniversary? Girl you know damn well you ain't got no man! Well lucky for me I'm not talking about that kind of anniversary. Its come to my attention that the one year anniversary of me being single is staring me dead in the face. And I mean....what do I do? Should I buy my self flowers, a Victoria's Secret gift card and take myself to Red Lobster? While cheddar bay biscuits and crab legs sound awfully tempting...that's just weird and pathetic. So I guess what I've decided to do is a little bit of reflecting on the past year. From my holy sh*t I'm never going to get married I think I might jump out of a 10 story building phase to my OMG...you mean I can have any of these boys and not get into trouble phase. I did a significant amount of boy shopping this year. I Made some exchanges, returns, tried a few things on (most of which made me look fat) and suffered from extreme buyer's remorse. The past year has been more than anything I've ever experienced, alot of firsts, lasts, and ALOT of mistakes....like ALOT. But I can't be to mad about it...I've also learned ALOT. And what kind of horrific blogger would I be if I didn't share what I've learned. These are the things I've learned about being single.

1. If a guy has more than 1000 facebook friends or 500 twitter followers...wear a condom...he's probably a whore.

2. If a guy tells you that he loves you and asks you to be his girlfriend after only TWO weeks of knowing each other..run away as fast as you can! And don't be surprised if he tries to f*ck your friend.

3. If a guy only texts you between the hours of 8pm and 8am he DOES NOT like you. He only wants your vagina.

4. Besides my hair straightener and hair gloss, my phone number is the most sacred thing that I own. Be careful who you give it to...nothing will annoy you more than a text stalker. "Hey girl...you up?"

5. You will not meet your future husband at a bar/club/discoteca or any other place where alcohol is served and people are openly dry humping and or making out in public.

6. College is full of thirsty girls who will literally rip out your spleen to get to the cutest guy in the room. Oh...and girls are b*tches...raggedy ass b*tches.

7. If a guy puts you on limited profile its because he has a girlfriend. There is no other explanation.

8. NEVER trust the cute ones. They know that you aren't listening to their lies because you are dazzled by their abs and perfect lips.

9. Always date lower than you. If your an 8 date a 6 or 7. They will appreciate you because they know they don't deserve you.

10. Your ex is your ex for a reason. I won't even attempt to explain this.

11. Lies are your best friend. OF COURSE I have a boyfriend...SORRY I'm a huge lesbian...I hate penis.

12. Boys lie...especially when there is even the slightest chance that they can even fondle you. Oh that girl I'm kissing in my profile picture...that's my uh...cousin. We got a close family. Yea....

13. Girls talk about guys WAY more than guys talk about girls. A girl's best friend knows how long you lasted, how big you are, and what your moan sounds like.

14. Being pretty will get you everything. It will get you a free dinner, it will get you free drinks, and it will also get you inappropriately groped and called a stuck up b*tch who ain't even that bad.

15. There is nothing more fragile than the male ego.I don't even think I need to explain how big of babies guys are. Manly my ass.

16. Don't be a high maintenance chick. U cant sleep over a guys house if you've got fake hair, fake eyelashes, a push up bra and a booty pop. He gonna be salty in the morning...

17. Being single means you can never walk around town with sweats, and messy bun, and giant t-shirt like you did when you had a boyfriend. You will see a guy you know...and he will be grossed out.

18. Every guy is different from all those other guys and their only intention is to get to know you better...perhaps over dinner. And they will gladly explain what a gentleman they are as they caress your upper thigh.

19. People in relationships will make you vomit all over yourself. They are smoking love crack and don't care that their PDA is making you squirm in an incredibly uncomfortable bus seat.

20. And finally....fuck. I feel like I should write something incredibly insightful here about love and sh*t but I guess I only learned 19 things so I'll just write this for the sake of things being even...

Merry Single-versary to you and yours

Facebook official...

Last week a friend of mine was telling us about her new boyfriend. He sounded kind of awesome so of course I had to ask to see a picture of him. "Just pull up his facebook" I said. But to the shock and awe of everyone in the room she said that they were NOT friends on facebook. As in...they both have a facebook...but they weren't friends. I couldn't have been more shocked than if she would have said he had a 12 inch penis...growing out of his forehead. WTF do you mean you aren't facebook friends with your BOYFRIEND. How are you going to stalk him endlessly all day as well as that b*tch who keeps liking all of his photos? Who is that B*tch?! This day in age, you aren't official until you are "facebook official" as in I see that little red heart next to "in a relationship with". But the more she talked about it the more it made sense to never EVER friend your boyfriend on facebook. LIKE ever. It also got me thinking one step further...what if we just banned ALL the couples from facebook? You know the ones I'm talking about. The one's whose wall to wall makes you want to VOM all over your keyboard! Maybe they just don't realize that they are really f*ckin annoying. But after this there is NO EXCUSE for your disgusting behavior. Sit down. Pen and paper. Write. These are the DO NOTS of being facebook official.

1.Kissy photos with annoying captions. Every time I see one of these pop up in my news feed I feel myself dry heaving. WHY in the world would you put a picture of you and your significant other tonguing each other down as your profile picture. I don't want to see that bullsh*t! Even worse are the captions that often accompany these cringe-worthy photos. Ex. Me and my BAE!!! I <3 him sooooo much. He's my world!!! Girl...u are gonna look real dumb when he plays your ass. I feel like only really insecure people do this. Its screams "Look at me!! Someone actually likes me enough to kiss me in front of a camera! Aren't you jealous of our love!" Barf. But what I think about most when I see these photos is how awkward it must have been to take that photo...

2. Being "THAT" girl. When I say this phrase...most of the girls of the world know exactly who I'm talking about. "THAT" girl is the one who makes every status about how much she looooves her boyfriend, how they are going to get married and blah blah. She likes every single action he does on facebook. He becomes a fan of Chipotle...who do you think is going to like it first. Yes...that crazy b*tch. All her profile pictures are of the two of them and she's always posting I love u's and hearts and shit all over his damn page. Basically marking her territory so other b*tches know this dude is taken...and his girlfriend will probably cut your ass if you try to talk to him. She's changed her last name to his last name...despite the fact that he has yet to put a 2 or more karat square cut diamond in white gold or platinum setting from Tiffany's on her finger. (That was really specific.) But the worst part about all of this is that if you go to his page...you wouldn't even know that he was in a relationship if it wasn't for this psycho chick writing all over his wall. All his statuses are about shit he actually cares about...like shoes, cars, and football. NOT his girlfriend. Its always awkward to see these one sided facebook relationships. He's probably going to cheat on you...

3.Annoying wall to wall conversations. We get it. You're head over heels in f*cking love. Yippee for you. That is no reason to subject me to your disgusting displays of facebook affection. The quickest way to get hidden from my news feed is to have a conversation on each others walls that is clearly meant to be texted or chatted or hell...sent in a damn smoke signal. Example:

GIRL:Babbbbyyyyy I miss you so much I can't want to see your face tonight for our date!!

GUY:I miss you tooo baby what do you want to eat tonight. I can pick you up something from the store

GIRL:I'll eat whatever you like because I'm really dumb and I only commented on your page to show everyone how in love we are and that we actually go on dates! All my single friends will be so jealous!

GUY:I looooveee you to baby <3 <3 <3

There is no reason I need to see a conversation about what you are going to eat for diner tonight in my news feed. TEXT that shit!

4.The dysfunctional couple. Whats worst than a couple that is over the top romantic and gross all the time? A couple that's ALWAYS fighting. Everybody is friends with at least one couple like this. Their relationship status changes daily. One minute they are in a relationship, then its complicated, then they are single then next week they are engaged. You can watch their fights play out all over facebook from melodramatic status updates to facebook comment wars. Its pathetic...and embarrassing. But honestly I live for these crazy ass people. I will pop me some popcorn and watch as their relationship crumbles right in front of me. You got to be on a whole other level to show all your drama like that. But if you want to keep acting like you are on an episode of Maury...I am obligated to watch and laugh my little ass off. Dont fight on facebook please...

The moral of this post is that if you so choose to be "facebook official" DON'T be annoying. I will find you...and I will make you read this. There's only so much of peoples love, PDA, and drama that I am equipped to handle at any given time. It makes you look stupid and even though you think all 600 of your friends care about how you and your girlfriend had such a great time eating sushi in the park...believe me...they don't. And sh*t...neither do I.

Cheatin ass cheater...

Obviously I haven't blogged in forever...school is ruining my life. But I just had to take time out of my busy schedule of exams, homework, volunteering, working, and being completely and utterly drunk to address a VERY serious issue. And as you could have guessed by my lovely title...its about cheatin ass cheaters. You know...the guys who think we are too dumb or to socially retarded to figure that while they are texting us things that could make a porn star blush...they got a angry ass girl at home. Yea...you n*gga. I'm talking to you...and your friend over there too. Silly boys...you didn't think we knew about ALL your little tricks did you? Girls are smart...we know how to investigate the sh*t out of you. I knew a girl who found out her boyfriend was cheating on her by googling his ass. And of course he wasn't smart enough to hide the evidence. But even when they think they are being smart...covering their muddy little paw prints...we STILL catch them.

Exhibit A: The boy you thought was such a nice guy. He likes what you like, thinks you are pretty and actually calls you between the hours of 8am and 8pm. You are even facebook friends with him. So he cant have girlfriend right...it would totally say it on his facebook page right? Right? Dead ass wrong. Thanks to the awesome/fantastic/wonderful privacy settings on facebook, you can be on limited profile without even knowing about it. So every time you look at his page you see exactly what he wants you to see. The I love you wall posts from his psycho girlfriend don't exist to you and his relationship status is a hidden mystery. But every time his girl looks at his page she sees that "in a relationship with" and continues knitting blue socks for their future children that they've decided will be twins who play football. Sounds like a cheaters dream right? Of course a guy would find a way to mess it up. Yea you put me on limited...but what about my home girl from third grade and my other girl from Physics class. Yea...you just got told on...

I really wish that guys could figure out that although we don't want to be...girls are f*cking stalkers. You think you can hide things from us...but all I really need is your first and last name. I'll find out all I need to know about you in a split second. I will find your facebook, twitter, myspace (who does that tho), four square, linkedin, your favorite color, your blood type and any and everything about you. Its the world we live in and unfortunately its a necessity these days. So that girl who is always commenting on your page, that girl you say is your best friend, that other girl who has a "crush" on you, and that girl who is in the background of profile picture 75 of 160...yea...i know that's your girlfriend. But don't worry...your secret is safe with me... you cheatin ass cheater.

Facebook Creepin..

Facebook.com...or as I like to call it procrastination.com or bored.com, is slowly turning into a stalkers paradise. Where else can you look through hundreds of photos of someone, read their random thoughts via status updates, and find out that they like Chipotle burritos, Lil Wayne, and "slapping who ever drank the last of the milk." Well, maybe Myspace...but what am I? 12? No. Even without looking at a person's page almost everything they do, comment on, or like shows up in that damn creepfeed. Its pretty much impossible to go on facebook without accidentally stalking/creeping someone that you may or may not know. We've all found ourselves looking at photo 457 of 765 photos while sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips when we are supposed to be writing page 7 of our 15 page research paper. I guess its only natural to be curious about the lives of others, but just like most things in life, there are certain rules that one should follow while Facebook creeping someone else. And of course I'm here to share with you these very very important rules. Thank me later.

1. Just like fight club the number one rule of Facebook creeping is to NEVER talk about facebook creeping. I'll explain. How weird would it be if you just happen to mention to a person you barely know how much fun it looked like they were having on the service trip they took to Guatemala 2 summers ago? You were obviously creeping their photo albums...and even though everyone does it, it is not acceptable to talk about it. So if that person that you had a group project with last semester happens to mention that very service trip...look shocked and surprised because your ass is def not supposed to know about it.

2. NEVER creep on someone in the library or on other public computers. You do realize that people walk behind you all the time in the library and in computer labs right? Therefore they can see that you are creeping photos from the beach trip that your crush just took. So chances are, while you are drooling over how fine he looks in those swim trunks, they are staring at you like wtf are you are doing. Even worse, what if the person you are creeping walks by and sees you staring at their page. That's pretty much a situation that you can NEVER recover from.

3. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT creep someone from your cell phone. Almost every other day I accidentally like someones status because my phone is retarded. Actually, that happened to me today when I wasn't even creeping anyone. I was simply scrolling through my news feed and liked a status that had NOTHING to do with me belonging to someone I barely know. With the popularity of touch screen phones you'd be surprised how many things I've accidentally liked or how many people I've accidentally poked. (Poking is lame btw...don't do it.)

4. Keep your creeping to the people on your friends list. I know its hard...you go on a friends page to make a wall post and see a post from a person you don't know at the very top. You wonder who they are, click on their page, and next thing you know you're looking at their '07 prom and graduation pics. You took it way to far with the creeping, considering you only have that one friend in common. Its really weird to creep people that you don't know AT ALL. We've all done it though. Your friend has a new girl friend...lets facebook her. Cute guy writes on your best friends page....how does she know him? Take a deep breath and resist the urge to look through all 678 photos of this person.

5. Finally, if you insist upon creeping people back to the very existence of their facebook page, ABSOLUTELY, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE OR COMMENT ON ANY POST THAT PRE-DATES YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDSHIP!! I don't think I can stress this one enough. Its written in all caps for goodness sakes, and I hate when people do that shiz. If we just become friends today and tomorrow I see you liked a status I made 2 years ago...I will know that you are a creeper and will be forced to put you on limited profile view along with my mom, little sister, and ex boyfriend. And no one wants to be banished into the land of limited profile view...its embarrassing. So control your urge to press the like button.

I hope that these rules help all my fellow facebook creepers of the world. There's almost 500 million people on facebook...so happy creeping =)

Back to school...

So today it might have hit me...I will be returning to school for my final year of college in 11 days. It probably hit me because I was looking at my tuition statement and silently crying to myself. But while I'm kind of bummed about being a senior (and having no effin idea what I want to do when I graduate), I am excited to be back on campus. There are so many reasons why I'm excited to leave home and even more reasons I'm excited to go back to school (none of them have to do with class). So like everything else in my life I'm going to make a list. These are the top 10 reasons I'm happy summer is over and its back to school time.

1. End of slavery! So apparently my parents didn't get the memo that slavery has been over since 1865. The amount of cooking and cleaning I do for my family on a daily basis without any help is appalling. Making a meal for one will be a welcome treat come fall.

2. Out with the old and in with the new! I finally get to ditch the guys I've been trying to avoid all summer. Theres no better excuse as to why I can't chill than...oh I'm kind of hundreds of miles away. Sorry....

3. Back to school shopping! Yes going back to school for me means that I must go shopping for my apartment and myself...oh and probably buy a pencil or two. Whatever I'm shopping for, it doesn't matter. I love to buy things.

4. No more sober Wednesdays! I've had my share of drunk fun this summer but not nearly as much as I do during the school year. Going out in South Florida is a difficult process that requires communication and planning. I will need at least a days notice and then have to worry about who is driving. In the fall...ten minutes notice and I'll be dressed and headed out the door.

5.No more sharing! Not only will I get to go back to my apartment where I have my own beautiful bathroom...I don't have to constantly worry about my dad eating all of my cereal and stealing the leftovers I bring home from restaurants. You have no idea how upsetting it is to want to eat your left over sweet and sour chicken only to see the empty container in the garbage.

6.Freedom! No longer will I have to trick the security guards at my gate and then sneak out of my house. I didn't realize how living in a gated community would impede me lying to my parents. Even though I've mastered the art of sneaking in and out of my neighborhood...every time I do it my palms get all sweaty and my heart beats all fast. Soon leaving my house at 1am and returning after the sun comes up will no longer be a problem.

7. Junk food! My house is the most depressing place on earth. No candy, no soda, no cookies, and basically nothing unhealthy. The first week of being home sans pizza, coke, and sour patch kids resulted in severe withdrawal symptoms. After 2 months I lost 10 freaking pounds. I'm not complaining about that but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie every now and then. No more lectures about how french fries are bad for me.

8. Cell phone service! For some reason my cell phone acts psycho when I'm back home. Lately I've been spending my nights talking on my house phone instead of my very expensive cell phone that doesn't even work in my bedroom. I haven't had to talk on the damn house phone since middle school. It will be nice not to have to curse out my phone every time one of my texts don't send.

9. Privacy! If my parents bust in my room one more time I will snap. No longer will I get chewed out for locking my door or sleeping til 1pm. And when someone comes to the gate to pick me up I won't have to go through the awkwardness of my step mom asking me if that guy is my new boyfriend. I won't have a house full of people in my business at all times.

10. The what are you going to do with your life question! Its like when you are a senior in college everyone feels like they have the right to ask you what you are going to do after you graduate. Hell...if I knew, I'd gladly tell you. 75% of my summer has been spent listening to my parents, and my parents friends, and my grandma lecture me about growing up and becoming independent and blah freakin blah. My parents are way easier to ignore over the phone while I'm watching TV and filing my nails.

Its my senior year. The last year of the best years of my life...I better make this shiz count! It shall be EPIC.

Boys not to date...

Today...I realized that I have the WORST taste in guys. I don't know how...but I always attract the most ridiculous people on the planet...or better yet, I'm attracted to the most ridiculous people on the planet. Its like I have this uncanny ability to walk into a room...any room, and find the most undateable guy. I'm annoyed with my inability to pick 'em. I should just give up now and get 7 cats (I f*ckin hate cats btw). I'm not even one of those super picky girls with a list of 100 things I need. Just be tall, funny and not crazy. But there are just some types of guys that you should just stay away from all together.

1. Guys with neck tattoos. If they make those kinds of bad decisions...u shouldn't date them.

2. Guys who text you lines from rap songs as compliments. ex. You to fine to be layin down in bed alone. That would only work if Drake himself said that to me.

3. Guys who complain alot. "Why don't you ever text me or call me first" waahhh cry cry. F*ckin baby...man up.

4. Guys with golds in their mouths. No explanation needed. And Goons need not apply.

5. Guys who wear rosaries...when they aren't praying...or Catholic. Meet a few...all jerks.

6. Guys who txt you at 3am...on a Tuesday.

7. Guys who are over confident and think they are God's gift to women and lick their lips alot

8. Guys who have a twitter...and interrupt you to tweet or laugh at someone else's tweets.

9. Guys who live at home and make you take off your shoes to tip toe to their rooms.

10. Guys who don't live in the same state as you. Even if they are fine track stars from Virgina.

11. Guys who call girls bitches and hoes...and not in a joking way.

12. Guys who flirt with EVERYONE.

13. Guys who cant unhook a bra by themselves.

14. Guys who are overly sensitive and want you to be their girlfriend after a week.

15. Guys who brag about their skills or size

16. Guys who ask when your parents are going out of town

17. Guys with both of their ears pierced

18. Guys who think licking your face qualifies as kissing

19. Guys who ask you to be their friend with benefits

20. Guys you meet while drunk

21. Guys who send you pictures of their penis

22. Guys who can't spell

23. Guys who are Jamaican

24. Guys who ask you what your favorite position is

25. Guys who whisper creepily in your ear

26. Guys with the same first name as your father.

27. Guys who were born in the 90's

Avoid these guys at all cost. Your life will be much happier and less annoying.

Red Bottoms 2011...

I was looking back at previous posts and I'm thinking way to many of them have been about boys. Yuck. I guess I write what I know...and that's been my life this summer. But I'm taking a break from the boy posts to write about my first love...SHOES! And even better...SHOES I CAN'T AFFORD! Because in the words of Fergie " I be lookin for labels. I aint lookin for love" Yea...I could probably find someone way smarter to quote...but it works for the purposes of this post. Any who...as usual I couldn't sleep so I decided to do a little online shoe browsing the other night and (get excited) the Fall Winter 2011 Collection from Christian Louboutin is up! Of course I had to check out all the fantastic new red bottoms that I can't possibly afford and will be drooling over until the Spring Summer 2011 collection comes out. Of course Louboutin never disappoints. Its like they look into my brain and make the exact type of sky high heels that I love. So I'm taking this very special post to show my favorites from this new collection.



Bridget's Back Gold

If I had to choose these would probably be my number one favorite from this collection. I literally stared at them for about 10 minutes before I was able to snap out of my shoe coma. For the life of me I can't find how much these Bridgets cost (not like it matters). But previous Bridgets by Louboutin are around $1595, and those are just the lace and leopard ones. These could def run you up to about $3000. But they look fantastic in Silver and Black as well. LOVE!




Misfit

Man these shoes are beautiful. And they look even better in cream but I couldn't find a pic of those *sad face* Look out for these in the new season of Gossip Girl. Yes...Leighton Meester wears these during filming. These are def the type of shoes that look more breath taking when you put them on your foot. Retail price...a ridiculous $1395. *sigh* If I were a rich girl...



Madame Butterfly Booty

I really really really love this shoe. This is the black leather one, but I've seen it in purple suede which is just as...if not more stunning that this shoe. Unfortunately I don't have $1200. I don't think I even own anything that I could sell to make that much money. But a girl can dream right? Out of all three, I feel like this one is the most simple. And it is the most likely of the entire collection to be turned into a knockoff. Hopefully I'll be seeing something like this in the mall in a few months.

Text Etiquette...

I'll admit, there are alot of things in this world that really get on my effin nerves. Like sharing a bathroom with my extremely messy sister who is convinced that she is America's Next Top Model and our house is a beauty salon, or people who just can't believe I'm 21 because I look soooo young and I'm barely five feet tall. And of course the drunk and sometimes sober people who make me tell all their friends my name because its "THE COOLEST NAME I'VE EVER HEARD!" Yep...they are usually Caucasian-Americans as I like to call them. But the other day...something really annoying happened and I almost threw my phone out the window. It may seem minor to most but for some reason it really makes me want to go on a murderous rampage maiming the elderly, punching babies, and drowning puppies. Okay...that's a little extreme...but I did get really agitated. So I'm chillin in my PJ's...eating some Special K cereal and hear my phone vibrate. Of course its a text so I open it and it says "wads gudd." I instantly feel the anger rising in my throat ( not to mention my half chewed cereal) as I try to comprehend what sane person would butcher the English language so badly and then send it to me in an electronic message. I got so annoyed that I deleted the text and decided that I CAN NOT speak to someone who would send me something so dumb. Don't get me wrong...I text people all the time using abbreviations, slang words, and other online phrases that are common to our generation...but some people think that texting gives you the right to take a dump on the dictionary and other laws relating to grammar, syntax and subject verb agreement. Well I am here to share with you a little bit of text etiquette. If you want me to delete you from my phone book...do any of the following things....

1. Use an unnecessary and obnoxious amount of punctuation. Like really...I think that I could tell you were excited about the A on your Economics final with just one exclamation point. There is no need for you to have 10 exclamation points. Isn't that just really annoying?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! <--- yea it is.

2.Abbreviate or change the spelling of words for NO damn reason. Abbreviations are used because they make words that are long easier to type. Sounds reasonable enough right? So why the eff are you changing was to "wuz" or cool to "kewl"? They have the same amount of letters...not to mention you won't look like a complete A-hole when you use the original word. And if you use the word "fone" instead of phone...I will come to your house and slap your mother.

3.Go absolutely bananas with the emoticons. The occassional smiley face or winky face (especially while flirting) is acceptable and often necessary. But when every text message you send me has some sort of smiley in it...and half of them I can't even recognize, I might get annoyed. Its like what the f*ck is THAT face? Constipation? And guys...if you do this to much...I think you are gay. Like you literally have sexual feelings toward men. Sorry.

4. Adding letters to the end of words. I think this is like a new thing or something. I didn't notice it until my sister text me Heyyyy. And I was like...is your keyboard stuck because you added extra y's onto the end of Hey? Apparently people do that now. Its really annoying to text on my touch screen phone...and I try to only put the necessary amount of letters. With all the damn abbreviating we do...why the eff would you add EXTRA sh*t? Kids...

5.Sending multiple texts in a row without giving me a chance to respond. You are NOT IMing me...damn can I get a chance to respond? I literally went downstairs for a minute to get some food leaving my phone upstairs and came back to this on my phone:
Idiot: Wassup?
Idiot: Hello?
Idiot: Guess you are to busy to text me back
Idiot. Are you mad at me?

Seriously...when I see the text I will text you back...unless you already broke rules one through four.

I'm not trying to be overly critical...I know texting is a very informal way of communicating. But there are just certain things I CAN NOT tolerate. So don't be an annoying texter. And don't text and drive! Or skeet and tweet =)

Swiping the V-card...

Today, while on my usual blog reading routine, I came across an interesting article that made me think. I can't remember the exact title of the article but it basically asked at what age does being a virgin become a stigma. If I said to you that I lost my virginity at 12 (NOT true) you would probably look at me just as weird as if I was 25 and still a virgin (assuming I wasn't like hideously deformed or had creepy body odor). But apparently the average age that guys and girls swipe their v-card is around 17...which is very surprising to me. I feel shows like Maury and Tyra want us to think that middle schoolers all across America are getting their cherries popped on the back of school buses. I guess the reality is more along the lines of losing it in the back of the limo on prom night (cliche). With that said...at what point between figuring out what those special parts down there are for and those very parts shriveling up is it deemed acceptable to enter the world of sex. The truth is...the answer is different for guys and girls. For a guy...be the first one of the homies to get his Willie wet and you are the man. Pretty much..the sooner you lose it the better. And if you do manage to make it out of high school with your virginity in tact...don't tell anyone. On the other hand..girls get a very mixed messages. Do it to young or be the first of your friends to lose it...you become the town hoe and wait to late and people are gonna think that you are 1.a prude 2. REALLY ugly or 3. that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior and your virginity is strictly for your future husband. But nine times out of ten...those are never the real answers because its ALOT more complicated than that...for girls at least. We are taught that our virginity is our virtue and we should cherish it and all that bullsh*t but in the same breathe we are encouraged to sexualize ourselves in an effort to attract guys. So here we are...one walking contradiction. Girls dressed in short shorts and tight shirts holding tightly to our "virtues" for fear of getting a bad reputation. But I could talk about THAT subject all day and how fair it is. The real point is that I remember clearly having the "are you a virgin talk" with people on several different occasions over the years and in the beginning people would proudly proclaim that they were virgins...but eventually you could tell who the virgins were because they were quite with shame. When did that happen?

Jumping on the grenade...

You know...I've always considered myself a FANTASTIC friend. I do my friend's hair (for free), I can keep a secret, I let people borrow clothes that I've never even worn (my clothes are my children), AND I would never ever take and send of pic of a friend passed out in a gas station bathroom after barfing up four loko all over their white jeans. But this summer has really got me thinking that there are certain limitations to being a good friend. That maybe...just maybe, you shouldn't ask anyone, let alone a close friend to do certain things for you. And this brings me to the point of this post. I wish I could count how many times I've had to "take one for the team", you know "jump on a grenade" or in plainer English...entertain the ugly friend while my friend macs on his much much hotter homeboy. I swear its like becoming the STORY of my life. So I'm nice to the guy, I may even flirt a little, all the while giving my home girl the evil eye and plotting ways to destroy her. I guess its my fault, I'm to nice and the word no is like not in my vocabulary. Or maybe I'm just hoping that my friend can return the favor later.(NOT!) Only one time has this whole jumping on a grenade thing worked out for me (the friend was gorgeous) but 9 times out of 10 I'm sorely disappointed. So NO MORE I TELL YOU!! I'm taking a vow to never jump on another grenade ever again! This will greatly decrease the amount of texts and phone calls I have to ignore on a daily basis. Man...I'm super looking forward to this!

Sexting Rules...

I subscribe to the school of thought that technology...ruins lives. I'll admit that I almost had a panic attack when I thought I lost my phone and I refuse to leave the house without my mp3 player, but texting, facebooking, bbming, and chatting allow us to stay in constant contact with each other...without ever saying anything really significant. When was the last time you got an urgent text message? Right...never. I'm getting to the point where I HATE texting people or even talking on the phone...I'd much rather talk in person. And my own personal rule is that if I actually like a guy I would NEVER add him as a friend on facebook until after I got to know him. So I keep my shiz on super private and usually have to add people because they can't search me. But the latest technological fail that people just cant get enough of...sexting. Now sexting isn't something that I have ever personally done. Its not that I'm totally against it...I can see how it could come in handy in a long distance relationship or even if your significant other is away for a while, but sending a pic is becoming like a required step after getting the digits. Uh oh...i got the number...time to send a d*ck pic! Yes I have been asked many times to send a pic of myself and I have never done it...even with a boyfriend. You never know where those pics could end up...and even if I don't put my face in them I have very distinguishable tattoos and piercings that if you saw a pic you would know it was me. But if you just cant control the urge to send nude or semi nude pics of yourself, make sure you watch the video below...

All the cool kids are doing it?

So I stumbled across this...disturbing video and immediately thought that I must write about this. Unfortunately I am at a complete loss for words. I mean...just watch and be confused. Also wonder to yourself what is going on with the youth of America. Is it bad that I thought some of the guys in this video were cute. Aye shawty! Lemme holla!

Can I put my letter in your mailbox?

Let's face it Americans are pretty damn uptight. ESPECIALLY about sex. Lets forget for a second that every industry in the U.S. from fast food to bottled water use sex to sell their products, but yet, try to open up an adult bookstore or strip club in Middle of Nowhere, USA and that shiz becomes a damn Supreme Court Case. Its kind of annoying, but the upside of not being able to openly discuss sex like our European counterparts is coming up with some pretty awesome Euphemisms for sex. Yep...they are pretty hilarious at times...and some of them barely make sense. Honestly, I use the phrase "smashing" at least ten times a day. So...I've compiled a list of some of the strangest/funniest/ and a few of my personal favorite Euphemisms for sex that I have ever heard. Get excited!

1.Putting the meat in her Taco

2. Bumping Uglies

3. Knocking Boots

4. Bury the Baby Leg

5. Butter the muffin

6. Clean her pipes

7. Horizontal Tango

8. Mixing baby juice

9. Parting the pink sea

10. Parking the beef bus in Tuna town

11. Laying Pipe

12. Porking

13. Putting the pickle in the hair sandwich

14. Sour cream in the burrito

15. Ride the baloney pony

16. Beat cheeks

17. Slappin skins

18. two in the pink, one in the stink

19. up to your nuts in guts

20. Balls Deep

21. Feed the Kitty

22. Get some stank on the hang low

23. Gettin the business

24. Hide the hot dog

25. Slip someone the hot beef injection

Yea...all of these kind of make me wanna barf. Wouldn't it just be easier to say have sex? Not in America...

Diary of a Flirty Nice Girl...

I've decided girls are insane. Like literally insane...as in I went on WebMD and diagnosed them. Ok...that was a really weird statement...I guess I should probably put that into perspective for you. So the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Freakin Albert Einstein said that shiz!! So it must be real! So what the heck do we keep doing over and over again and expecting different results? Just guess...of course it has to do with boys *sigh*. Ugh...we keep putting ourselves in the awkward position of being super nice and flirty with a guys we don't like AT ALL, giving them our numbers because we literally can't so no to dudes for fear of looking like jerks, and then getting SOOOO freakin mad when he texts us to hang out. (If this weren't true...there would be no need for the rejection hot line.) I mean who does that!! Apparently chicks do...and I've already decided that we are insane. We know its dumb, we know its mean, and we know we're gonna wanna kick ourselves in the chin the next day when he calls/texts but whats a girl to do? I mean we could just stop flirting with people that we don't like...but its just so much fun. Sometimes we are bored and you're our entertainment, or sometimes we're drunk...and you'll do for now, and other times we're just effin idiots. BUT...sometimes we are just dead wrong for taking our flirting to the max...like sitting in someones lap, whispering in their ear, and even kissing them when we don't like them. Then I guess we just expect them to forget all that went down and some how magically realize that we don't want them...when we pretty much did everything in our power to make it seem like we wanted their D. On the other hand...just becasue a girl grinds on you a party doesnt mean she wants to go home with you/wants your D. Sh*t thats just how people dance these days. They literally dry hump on the dance floor and then walk away. But most of the time...I think its a mixture of a girl wanting to be nice and not hurt the guys feelings by turning him down and guys not being able to take a hint. Do you know how hard it is to tell a guy you have no interest in him without looking like a total B*TCH! I think its because guys only understand BLUNT language. Real conversations I've had with guys:

Me: "I have a boyfriend"
Creepy guy hitting on me: "I don't see him here"

Me: "I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend is right here" *Puts my arm around my friend*
Creepy Guy hitting on me: "I just wanna watch"

Really wtf...do I just have to say NO and turn my back on you? So...we ignore your texts/phone calls/wall posts/facebook chats/photo comments and hope that you will eventually forget that we ever existed. Maybe that's not the most effective method for getting rid of an unwanted suitor...but for a nice girl and chronic flirter who is absolutely terrified of confrontation/awkwardness...its like the only option. So call us a b*tches, call us a cock teases, call us whatever makes you feel better. Because honestly...half the time we cant even argue with you...because you are right. But when the alternative is being known as stuck up b*itch...I'll take being the flirty nice girl..who occasionally pisses dudes off.

The Great Debate...

I'm not the type of person to get all serious and preachy...believe me life is to short for that. I'd much rather laugh and make light of things than focus on all the negativity that goes on in the world. But I guess there's a topic out there that's been on my mind lately and I really feel like I need to discuss it. So recently, Houston rapper Slim Thug made some very disheartening comments about black women that maybe annoyed me just a little. Honestly...my first thought was who the eff even cares what the f*ck Slim Thug has to say about anyone...who is this dude...and why is he even getting interviewed. But because it's not the first time I've heard dumb comments about black women from a rapper or black athlete...it really got me thinking. Basically he was saying that all black women are gold diggers, our standards are too high, and that the only reason he stays with his current girlfriend is because she is half white and that's the part of her that does what he says. I guess it was just a list of the reasons he prefers women of other races over black women. Ugh...this debate has been raging on and on in the black community for like ever: why is it that SOME black men prefer women who are either light skinned, mixed, white, or "exotic" looking? And of course as a black woman I wondered the same thing myself. Don't get me wrong...its okay to have a preference (I myself prefer darker skinned men) but SOME men take it from just a preference to a place where they will ONLY date these types of women. I'll admit...until very recently this was something that actually hurt my feelings. I mean...was I not just as beautiful as a lighter skinned girl? Adding to my discomfort was the fact that for a greater part of my childhood I was the only black girl in every one of my classes. Every image I was exposed to (rap videos, TV shows, and other media) told me that what I looked like was not the ideal beauty. It stung to be told that "I was pretty for a black girl" and that "I had nice hair for a black girl". Why couldn't I just be pretty for me. But with confidence and age I have learned that I could care less about the preferences of SOME black men. Whether they prefer my "type" of beauty or not really has nothing to do with me at all. I am no longer offended by men who only find the "red" girls attractive, the guys who will look past me because I don't possess the silky smooth hair of an Asian girl, or the guys who think that because I am a black woman that I am only capable of rolling my neck and snapping my fingers. I only desire to be loved by someone who can appreciate me for everything that I am which includes what I look like physically. I will no longer hold my tongue in an effort to avoid the "angry black women" stereotype. I'm not mad at men who only date white women or light skinned women. And I could care less anymore if the lead girl in every rap video is a Brazilian with hair down to her ass. None of it is a reflection on my beauty. In learning to love yourself the opinions of others will matter less and less. I know not every black man feels this way...but there are quite a few that do. I only seek to understand why they feel that they are only attracted to these types of women...not get mad or try to convince them that I too am beautiful. What would I even gain from changing their mind? I certainly would not gain anymore confidence than I already have because confidence is not gained from the opinions of others. At the end of the day, every women (black, white, whatever) deserves to be loved for all the unique qualities they posses and not just because they fit into some stereotype of beauty that has been shoved down the throats of men for ages. I wish that black women could just let go of their bitterness because honestly no man should be able to define you. But no matter what, I will always love black men...even if sometimes they chose not to love me back.

Already Taken-Trey Songz

So I guess Trey Songz is trying to release a video a day or something. I don't mind though...I could stare at that face ALL morning/day/afternoon and night. So this one is for the Step Up 3D movie that's coming out soon. I'm not going to even discuss why the eff there needs to be a 3D dance movie...but I'm excited for it none the less. The video is ok...but who cares...its Trey. He could release a remix of Old McDonald and I'd cop that sh*t! Yea I'm obsessed. One question though...why is the leading lady in this video Trey's ex-girlfriend? I'm just saying...

Rent the Runway!

I pretty much could go on and on about how much I love fashion...and how I'm way to broke to afford most of the things that I drool over. Just today I spent hours online looking at shoes that I most certainly could never buy because I'm currently unemployed...and even if I did have a job...$1500 shoes are a little out of my price range (just a little). But the answer to every wanna be fashionistas prayers has come true...and its called "Rent the Runway." Its pretty much exactly what it sounds like. My lil sis put me up on this website some months back and I kinda LOVE the hell out of this idea. So check me out...this website contains clothing from top designers such as Nicole Miller and Herve Leger (love)and once you become a member (very simple) you can browse the awesome collection of clothes. Once you find something you like simply rent it, they deliver it in two sizes (such a smart idea btw)and once you are done return it. They even take care of the dry cleaning! So if you have a special occasion (birthday, prom...whatevers) you can get a designer dress that would usually cost thousands of bucks for about 10% of that cost. This is such a great idea because if you are like me...you rarely wear a dress twice. I have so much sh*t in my closet that has only been worn once its ridiculous. I might have to reconsider this policy however...times is gettin rough! Anywhoo...I think every lady should check this website out. Damn I wish they could do this with shoes...a pair of Louboutins would make my life...even if it was just for one night...

F*ck these N*ggas!!

It all started in Mrs. Holiday's kindergarten class when I met my first crush, Jamal January. Sure I was only five years old at the time but he had to be THE finest boy in all of my Elementary School. Since that moment there was always a guy that I thought I was head over heels for...scribbling their names on my notebooks, trying to figure out how to sit next to them at lunch, and begging my best friend to find out if he liked me. Ugh...16 years later nothing has really changed. At the age of 21 I'm still just as boy crazy as I was in middle school. Instead of scribbling their names on my notebooks, I'm constantly thinking about them. No more trying to sit next to them at lunch...I'm trying to find out where they are gonna be this weekend and how I can get there. And well...I guess I could still use my best friend to find out if they like me...but knowing her she would just tell them I like them instead. I'm friends with some really smart ladies...why is it that every time we get together we are dishing about boys. I mean we don't have to discuss economic policies or Russian literature...but do they have to DOMINATE all of our convos? After a decade and a half of liking boys...I'm so exhausted. The crushing, the constant texting (dear god the texting), the hating them,the disappointment, the heartbreak, then the loving them again. I really cant stand it anymore. Its like a part time effin job! You haven't lived until you have been on the phone with one guy, while texting two other guys, all while having a facebook chat with another. And its not just the single life that's exhausting...being in a relationship is equally as draining. Try writing a paper or completing a problem set while crying over your latest relationship woes. Try breaking up like every week for a month and them tell me how you feel at the end of it. I'm starting to see that so many girls let guys control their lives (including me). I've seen the most beautiful and intelligent girls reduced to a stuttering pile of mush over a guy. This by no means is to bash guys (I still freakin love the hell out of them) but perhaps a wake up call to all the girls in the world who obsess over them. Why do that when I'm sure guys are not doing the same thing over us? Yea I doubt dudes are waiting by their phone for you to text or call them. As girls I feel like we give of our emotions to easily. Last week I had a guy tell me that I made him feel like a girl because he was the one constantly trying to chill with me...and I acted like a guy because I had no emotions. Honestly, I think I'm just to tired to care...I've given away to much of myself to guys over the years. So now I'm at the point where I might join a nunnery...okay maybe I'll just take a break from them (let's not get crazy!). I'm just so mad that they make me like them! So in the immortal words of Weezy F. Baby...F*ck these N*ggas!!

Breaking up is hard to do...

Anyway you slice it...break ups suck big hairy balls. Whether he cheated on you with your sister or you guys just drifted apart..there is a certain amount of pain that everyone is going to have to go through when they decide to end a relationship. It really doesn't matter if it was two months or 10 years...its gonna sting a little. So you've broken up with someone and your single...what now? Society (and by society I mean stupid romantic comedies) dictate that we must cry alot and consume massive amounts of ice cream. Bleh...crying makes me uncomfortable and I'm lactose intolerant. Its really hard to get over someone you cared about...or better yet loved. I don't think I've quite figured it out yet...but I can tell you what not to do...

1. DO NOT go out and hook up with someone immediately after your break up! Whoever came up with the phrase "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under another" is a f*ckin idiot...and a slutty idiot at that. It honestly doesn't help you get over anything...its just gonna add to the sh*t that you are already dealing with. And I'm pretty sure the person you hook up with isn't going to appreciate you crying all over them while you talk about your ex. And please don't do this while you are intoxicated. As much as your friends will try to get you to go out and get wasted to make you feel better....resist with every bone in your body.

2. DO NOT pretend like everything is ok. If you feel like crying...please...cry. You can try to pretend like you are dealing with everything perfectly fine and that you don't really care, but be careful because one day you could be sitting on the bus on your way to campus and a John Legend song will come on your mp3 player...and you might awkwardly burst into tears. Yea...people don't respond well to the girl sobbing on the bus. It would have been much better if you just cried at home. So cry...scream if you must...just don't hold it in.

3.DO NOT hook up with your ex. This one may seem very tempting. A little bit after you break up with someone and the initial anger subsides...you start remembering all the good times you shared instead of all the reasons that led to your break up. At this point you may feel lonely and you start to think that maybe no one will ever get your crazy sense of humor quite like him, or that no one else will find the fact that you cant brush you teeth without getting toothpaste in your hair as cute as he does. Yea...this too shall pass...so keep your damn pants on and legs shut! You will regret it because it will only confuse the hell out of you.

4. DO NOT lock yourself in your room. I know I said its okay to be sad and cry, but really the worst thing you can do is lock yourself away in your room and hide under your covers. While I wouldn't suggest any hardcore partying, its a good idea to do something fun like go shopping or hang out with your friends. Laying in the dark, and listening to sad love songs on repeat while neglecting your classes and extracurriculars is only going to make things worst when you do decide to come out of your haze of patheticness. So open the blinds, put away he Kleenex, and take your ass to class.

5. DO NOT beat yourself up for not being able to get over someone quickly enough. Face it...there is a reason you were with that person in the first place, even if it didn't really work out the way you planned. So if you still find yourself missing them or thinking about them don't freak out. Like all good things (wine, cheese, having sex ) it will get so much better in time. There's no rule that says if you were with someone a year you should be over them in some specific amount of time. Nope...everyone heals at their own pace...so calm yourself.

6. Finally...and maybe the most important DO NOT facebook stalk your ex!!!! OMG I cant stress this one enough. If you can either block, defriend, or at least hide them from your news feed. You do not need to see pics of your ex getting wasted at a party with his arm around some unidentified skank...who could very well be prettier than you. You do not need to hear his status updates about how awesome his day was...especially if you haven't quite gotten over him yet. Unfollow his ass on twitter and any other social networking site...its for your own sanity and well being..believe me. Count your lucky stars if your ex does not have a facebook or twitter...you wont even be tempted to stalk the hell out of them for hours each day wondering if they have moved on yet.

Hopefully if you follow these rules you can get through your break up with a minimal amount of emotional scars. Breaking up is hard to do...so don't make it even harder.

Sex Room- Ludacris ft. Trey Songz

So clearly its Trey Songz day today. Honestly, I've been a little busy the past week or so and haven't had time to keep up with things. But I've been waiting a long time for this video to come out and somehow it slipped underneath my radar. But its here and its a decent video. Has a bit of a Hangover (the very hilarious movie) theme to it which I loved. But the rest is pretty much the freaky sh*t you would expect from Trey and Luda with a song titled "Sex Room." Never the less...love the song...its been on repeat in my mp3 player for weeks now and the video is cute.

Yo Side of the Bed- Trey Songz

So I've been hearing a lot about this video and I finally had time to watch it today. I'm still literally a puddle of tears right now. It was so sad. Trey...you know I love you but I hate crying...so stop it. It was a good video and matched the song very well. S.N. super duper jealous of Keri Hilson because she got to kiss that gorgeous man. Oh one day...

To be...or not to be?

So a while back I wrote about how double standards made it hard for a girl to get her freak on outside of a relationship without looking like a skeeze. (Good Girl Gone Bad?) Yea, unfortunately I still haven't solved that problem, but I'm working on it...along with the oil spill in the gulf and the world economic crisis. But I did get a lot of feedback on that post and of course someone suggested that perhaps having a "Friend with benefits" (FWB) could be the solution to this horrible problem plaguing single ladies everywhere. Its pretty much one of the most hotly debated topics ever. Does it work? Does it not work? Doesn't someone always get hurt? I quickly dismissed that possibility citing the possibility of developing feelings for that person and blah blah blah. I mean, I get infatuated with a person so easily it should be criminal. Luckily for me though, I get over it as quickly as it starts (I have boy ADD). I've ALWAYS thought having a FWB was a terrible terrible TERRIBLE idea! But now...I think I've had a change of heart. Don't ask me why (because I wont tell you) but now I'm beginning to think that this is a valid solution. Yes, there is the possibility of developing feelings, but in certain circumstances...a FWB can be your best friend. I think the most important part is to be honest with this person (cliche I know) but it really helps when both people are on the same page. The last thing I need is a dude seeing me out with another guy and going completely ape sh*t because he thought I was his effin soul mate. Nope! As long as both people know whats up...this awkward situation can be avoided. Another thing that helps is if your FWB is not exactly apart of your close circle of friends. You don't need to constantly run into them, especially if you are at a party trying to mac on someone else. Trying to keep a relationship like that is damn near impossible when they are always around...you minus well date them. Now...one of the most important parts of having a successful FWB relationship (to me at least) is to put a time limit on your interaction. If you are having sex with someone for like a year there's a greater chance that you will end up developing feelings for them as opposed to if its a summer fling that only lasts 3 months. Pretty much after the 3 month mark...you are dating...and that's real. This type of relationship is definitely not for everyone. It takes a lot to do something so intimate, like sex, with another person for an extended period of time and not feel anything. If you don't feel a little something...check your pulse because you might be dead...legit. So if you are the jealous, possessive, or overly emotional type of chick that has her entire wedding planned out already even though she doesn't have a man...you might want to steer clear of this. And if you a sensitive ass n*gga who enjoys long walks on the beach, puppies and butterflies...this might not be for you. My advice...know what you are getting yourself into, because nothing stings quite like unrequited love.

What's a date?

These past few months sans relationship have taught me alot. I'm a failure at flirting, boys will do the most outrageous sh*t if they believe they have even the slightest chance of smashing, and don't give out your number to five guys in one night(Thanks Four Loko). But maybe the most valuable thing I have learned is...there is no such thing as "dating" in college. What exactly do I mean by dating you ask? I mean the cliche boy picks girl up from her house, takes her somewhere, pays for her, then drives her home and MAYBE she kisses him. Nope...that entire scenario does not exist in college...at all. Maybe its because people in college are broke all the damn time, too busy to actually go out on dates, or they are just plain lazy. Either way, in college...you study with a dude, chill at his gross apartment that smells like toe jam and rotting takeout, watch a movie, maybe eat some pizza, and either put out or bounce. Yep...for four years (if you aren't in a relationship) your dating life will consist of pizza and rented dvds. That was one of the only perks to having a boyfriend...every now and then I could actually go to a restaurant with a menu that wasn't illuminated by fluorescent light bulbs and covered in french fry grease. Just when I had given up hope on all guys...forever, the weirdest sh*t happened to me. I actually went on a date. Like a real life date! It was effin weird...and I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I mean...he opened the door for me, told me I looked nice and did all kinds of other creepy date-like stuff. And quite honestly...I didn't like it. Maybe college kids have the right idea about dating. I mean the entire point of taking someone out it to get to know them right? So do I really need to squeeze into a pair of brand new jeans, go to dinner with a person and pretend to listen to what they are saying while I pray I don't have something in my teeth. I don't think so...all that just puts unnecessary pressure and awkwardness on people...and f*ck dates aren't cheap! Its especially bad for me because I HATE when people pay for things for me (I'm weird like that). But yea...I've decided that dating, along with paying bills, having a job, and not being able to get ridiculously drunk on a Wednesday is yet another thing that I am not looking forward to doing when I finally decide to become an adult.

Fakin' it til I make it...

Fashion rocks my freakin socks! Labels like Christian Louboutin, Alexander McQueen, Rodarte, Dior, and Gucci keep me up at night dreaming of fabulous shoes and handbags. Unfortunately, I'm a broke ass college student whose idea of fine dining is Applebees. *Sigh* One day I will be able to afford these things...but until then , I shall fake it til I make it. Shoes are my obsession and as such I notice the pattern that designers and stores go through. For example, hot new shoes hit the runway during fashion week. First you see them on celebrities, next comes the high end department stores like Neimans and Saks, then lower stores like Nordstroms. Then, companies like Steve Madden and Bebe make their own version of the shoe and finally...the shoe hits regular stores in the mall like Traffic (a place that I can actually afford). Yep..theres really no reason I need to shell out thousands of dollars for a shoe that in a couple of months I can purchase for less than 50 bucks. That's pretty much how I got my two favorite pairs of shoes ever...



These are Alexander McQueen's zippered peep toe booties. And they are gorgeous. Retail price: $1,155. If you know me...they look hella familar to you because I own a pair that look exactly like them. How much did they cost me? $40. Yep...I pretty much spent $1,115 less than the rich people who can actually afford these shoes did.




And that's me in my bathroom wearing gross basketball shorts modeling my awesome shoes. They are perfect replicas and I didn't even have to sell one of my kidneys on the black market like I planned to when I first saw these shoes. Go me!



These are the Christian Dior Extreme Cutout Sandals. They really should look familiar to you because two years ago these beautiful shoes appeared in the Sex and the City movie...twice. And they single handedly sparked the gladiator shoe movement that will probably never go away. When I saw them I had a fashion orgasm and then immediately went home and googled them. Retail price $770.



Once again...me in my gross bathroom showing my shoes. How much did I pay for them? $45. I remember when I first saw them...I stopped immediately and started screaming in the middle of the mall. Yep...shoes do that to me...I can't help it.

One day I will be able to afford the real thing instead of just drooling over the red bottoms of a pair of Louboutins.(Currently dying for the leopard print peep toe bananas) Fashion isn't just for the wealthy...the most creative people can work with what they have...or what they don't have.

Blame it on the A-aaa-aalcohol?

So as college lady (of legal age) who attends the number one party school in the nation (GO GATORS!)...lets just say I know my way around a liquor store...bar...keg...hell I could prolly brew some damn moonshine if I tried. Epic drunkenness is no stranger to me...seriously, safely hidden away somewhere are some apparently really lol-worthy videos of me crying with my head in the toilet. But besides that very hazy night that included me sleeping on my bathroom floor...I have a pretty clean record of not doing anything really dumb while intoxicated. But its coming to my attention that maybe alcohol doesn't make us do dumb sh*t...perhaps alcohol is just the excuse we use to do the really dumb sh*t that we wouldn't normally do while sober. Okay hear me out. Yes...I am well aware that alcohol does have some physical/mental affects on you...tripping over the curb is not something I normally do while sober (ok thts a lie but u get my point).But can being drunk REALLY make you cheat on your bf/gf, hook up with your TA, or slap that b*tch in the face for spilling your blue long island? I tend to lean towards the answer of no. Maybe we are more likely to do these things because we can hide behind the excuse of "dude I was sooo trashed last night." I can honestly say that I have used alcohol as an excuse to do things like text someone I shouldn't be texting, make out with randos, dance on numerous stripper poles...and even give a slightly inappropriate lap dance. But in the light of day I know that I didn't do these things BECAUSE I was drinking. I've seen many a girl have one drink and I know that hoe is not drunk...yet she is sketchily making out with a guy in the corner. We can't judge her right? She's drunk. Your best friend calls you a whore...can't stay mad in the morning...she was wasted right? That guy grabs your ass in the club...just let it go girl...that dude is schwasted! But when do we stop blamin' what we sippin' and start taking responsibility for our "drunken" actions? Yea...its like an unsolvable riddle. I'm sure at some point of drinking you do just get really f*cked up and make bad decisions...but I haven't been there. When I drink I can reason, weigh the pros and cons of a situation...and if I do some dumb sh*t I know its my fault...and chances are I wanted to do it. The "I was drunk" excuse is weak and overused and frankly I'm tired of hearing it. So man up, grow some balls...and stop blaming it on the A-aaa-aalcohol! (I hate u Jamie for that song btw)

You might be a GBC if...

If you are like me, you and your closest friends have about a million inside jokes. Yep...its like sometimes you are speaking another language because in between hysterical laughter and trying to catch your breath you are shouting out random quotes and phrases. Well since for ever, me and my homie have made up nicknames for our crushes, people we hate, and of course acronyms to say things in public that we might get slapped for. So today I am here to share with you one of our beloved acronyms...the GBC. And what does GBC stand for you ask? Calm down I'm gonna tell you...it stands for "Ghetto Black Chick" That's right class...while living in Gainesville we had to come up with something to describe the foolishness that goes on at the mall, at the movies, and basically any place two feet away from our campus. Pay attention class because today is a very important lesson...a GBC cannot be defined in one sentence...these are complex creatures. They do not even necessarily have to be black..or from the ghetto...but there are a specific set of qualities they possess. Follow me into the wild for a second. You might be a GBC if...

1. If at any point in time your ring tone was "Bust it Baby" by Plies. Scratch that...if you have ever had a Plies song as your ring tone period.

2. If at anytime in the last 5 years you owned or rocked a pair of pink timberlands loud and proud.

3.If you own a baby phat shirt, baby phat jeans, baby phat earrings, the baby phat bomber jacket, and the baby phat belt, and you thought it was a good idea to wear them all together..at the same time....with matching nikes.

4. If you go to the nail salon and you leave with nails so long that they curve at the bottom...and you did the sh*t on purpose.

5. If you have ever purchased your hair and a plate of Chinese food from the same location.

6. If you have 3 or more kids by the same man, have been together for over 10 years, you live together, and share bills...but you are "waiting on the right time to get married"

7. If you are 200+ pounds and have purchased an extra small tube top.

8. If you do hair, babysit, and sell mix tapes from your house.

9.If you have ever been fired from your job for cursing out a customer, fellow employee, or manager.

10. If you have ever bought an outfit from the mall, stuffed your gross ass into it, rocked it at the club, then tried to return it the next day complete with unidentifiable scent and cigarette burns talkin about it didn't fit right.

11. If you got kicked out of your prom because your dress was deemed "inappropriate" aka that shit had so many cut outs it was barely a dress anymore.

12. If you lost your virginity in the back of a Monte Carlo, Impala, or Cadillac.

13. If you own a gold grill...add extra points if you purchased it from the flea market.

14. If you have three or more colors in your hair at one time i.e. bright red, blue, pink, green etc. Extra points if you've used yarn in your hair as a replacement for weave.

15. If you have ever seriously referred to a guy that you went on a date with as your "future baby daddy"

16. If your name is Keisha.

17. If you have a son who everybody calls Lil Man Man. He only wears a diaper...never any clothes and his nose is always running...even in the dead middle of summer.

18. If you have ever truly "bust the windows out his car"

19. If you have a tattoo of a rose with vines in any of the following locations: thigh, calf, upper arm, or right breast.

20. If your name on face book looks similar to the following: Shaniqua Imthebaddestbitchinda305 Jackson or Tiffany FineAss Jenkins or even Keisha Illtakeyoman Jefferson.

This by no means is an exhaustive list of GBC qualities. But best believe you will know a GBC when you see one. These girls are my entertainment...and well we all have a little GBC in us. (Oh Trust...I will curse you out in public...no problem.) This has been a GPSA (Ghetto Public Service Announcement)

Computer Love

Okay baby...here me out for one sec. I know we've had our ups and downs...like that one time I threatened to throw you out the window or the numerous times I've called you a worthless piece of sh*t and I'm sorry. And I know I almost cheated on you with that Mac, but it was when you were trippin' again...and I was lonely and the Mac was there for me. I mean, we only held hands but I could see that it really hurt you. So many times I've threatened to replace you, but the truth is... you were my first...and I love you. These past few days without you have really made me appreciate you and now I know that I can't live without you. Maybe I haven't been the best towards you either. I haven't always given you what you needed, but sometimes it felt like you were speaking a whole other language.(Wtf does defragg your hard drive mean?) So let's forget about all the bad things. Let's remember all the good times...all the movies we've watched together, the facebook profiles we've stalked, and oh how we laughed and laughed at the YouTube videos! *Sigh* See...this is why you mean the world to me and I'm glad you are back underneath my fingers. I even missed that little sound you always make when I turn you on *blushes* I know I always say that you are a crappy computer...but you are MY crappy computer!!

Silly Boys...

This past semester was the first time I'd ever been single in college (I know...who does that?) And about halfway through...fate happened and the whole crew became unattached. It was like magic (or a low budget Sex and the City). Either way...my favorite past time soon became discussing the different boys each of my friends were talking to at the moment. Of course we had to share what they said, and what they meant by it, and even share the occasional lol worthy texts they sent us. But out of all the boys we've added to our contact lists this semester(still trying to figure out who "koolie" is)...there are a few that I'm sure each and every college girl has in common with us. These are the boys that all of us meet and have similar experiences with...in no particular order of course.

"King of the Frat"

Chances are that you knew of or about this dude before you were ever formally introduced to him (he's just that popular). This is the type of guy who has about 31,000+ facebook friends, all of his profile pictures are of him and the "bruhs" throwin it up and all of his facebook statuses are about different Frat events. Yes...he is like the president of blah phi whatever and he's pretty confident that he's the sh*t. So one drunken night you some how exchange numbers...and chances are your texts will sound somethin like this:

Fratty: Hey
You: Hi
Fratty: Sup?
You: nothin much
Fratty: cool
Yep...this will continue forever because he's so awesome that he doesn't have to be interesting or original. So many girls throw themselves at him...he doesn't even know what it means to work for it anymore. So why do you keep this dude on your roster...so he can text you about all the dope after parties! Duh!

"The Nice Guy"

C'mon...ever girl in the world has this dude in her life. He's so sweet. He actually wants to take you out to eat somewhere with waiters and no drive thru and instead of telling you to come over to "watch" a movie...he wants to pay for your ticket to see it in theaters. He cares all about how your day went, your favorite color and how you did on your midterms. He likes the same things as you and you wake up every morning to a text from him telling you how beautiful/gorgeous/amazing you are. *Sigh* He's like the perfect boyfriend material...except for that fact that not one bone in your body is physically attracted to him. You try sooo hard to like him because you know he's whats good for you...but King of the Frat is soo much hotter! Its horrible...but every time you think about kissing him...you throw up in your mouth a little. You wish he could be like your best friend...but you know in your heart that he wants to bone you. If life were perfect...he'd be hotter/taller/cooler.

"The Baller"

Yea...so this guy plays on the basketball/football team and he's tall and sexy ( my favorite). But beware...if you thought Fratty was horrible...the baller is like him on steroids. Often times he is so boring that holding a conversation with him is literally painful. Or he is so cocky that all he wants to talk about is how awesome that last pass he caught was. Groupies line up for blocks to talk to this dude...but somehow he licked his lips at you in a sweaty overcrowded club and numbers were exchanged. Then the completely pointless conversation begins. "Ay girl...when I'm gonna see you again" (yes he has bad grammar too) Yea...theres really no point in even entertaining a guy like this. You are just one of the many chicks he's trying to get on his team. And if he's like the ballers at my school...he likes a white girl with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

"Mr. Foward"

So you met a guy you thought was a cutie at [insert random club name here]. He was nice, a good dancer...and boy did he smell Delicious. But little did you know that this nigga right here was crazy. He texts you everyday, all the time, and won't stop asking you to hang out. All you really want to say is nigga hop off! But he's cute so you find his persistence refreshing...at first. Next thing you know..you open your phone to a naked pic of this dude and then you're like wtf? How did we skip from hello how are you to your junk plastered all over my sidekick? This is when you stop texting buddy and try your hardest to dodge him on campus. Once again you enlist yourself in "Operation do not give out your number" which always seems to fail after a few vodka and sprites.

"The Drunken Mistake"

I mean we've all had those nights when you get so incredibly drunk you do stupid sh*t. I mean...except for me because I'm an angel. Anwhoo...yes its ladies night and the drinks are free...til 1 am atleast. And you've gone to the bar to get a refill on your incredibly watered down vodka/rum and random juice at least...7, 8, or 12 times. You are officially schwasted. Then some rando starts dancing behind you...and what do you care...lets dance! After 4 songs of dancing with this guy he asks for your number and you oblige. Approximately 3 days later you get a text like "whats good ma?" from a number you don't know and when it finally clicks who it is...you text the homie to ask if they were cute or not. Yep...they weren't...the homie tried to tell you but you just didn't listen. So now the next two weeks is spent making up random excuses (my cat is sick..when you don't even have a cat) to not hang out with this dude. He's the reason why you jump every time your phone vibrates or every time some one taps you on the shoulder.

This semester has been hilarious as far as boys are concerned. I wonder if they know that so much of our time is spent laughing at their antics. No matter how crazy they act...I love these silly boys!

Crank that...WTF?

I am clearly not the biggest fan of Soulja Boy...he is kind of the most garbage rapper ever. And these days that fool is lookin like a low budget Lil Wayne with all them damn tats (why the eff would you get a neck tat?) But anywhoo...since that insanely catchy tune "Crank that Soulja Boy" came out, people have decided that it is fantastic idea to make up a song and accompanying dance i.e. Do the Stanky Leg and/or the Halle Berry. Well due to my You Tube creeping I found some lesser know dances/songs that just made me stare at my computer screen like WTF? There was even a dance called Crank that Jesus. I did not dare click on that and be struck down. Now everybody is in the club, jookin and jivin, wiggin and stickin...and I just can't take it. Of course I'm gonna tell u the worst of the worst of these so called dances. Prepare for the shenanigans...

"Pooch Yae"



So I get a text from the homie like "Have you heard of the Pooch Yae?" My initial response was "Excuse me...the what?" Apparently her little brother and sister were doing this dance and she just thought it was hilarious. So of course I YouTube this shiz...and wow is it dumb. I really dont think little girls should be shakin it like that...but whatever floats your boat. Oh the world we live in...

"Bennie Biggle Wiggle"



So of course I hear about this dance from my little sister. She always knows what the kids are doing these days. I must say that this is perhaps the ugliest dance I've ever seen...with perhaps the dumbest name. I searched YouTube high and low looking for a decent video and then I realized...all the videos looked bad because the dance was just hideous. I wish I would see a nigga in the club doin this here...

"My Dougie"



Yea...I'm not gonna lie...it took me a hot minute to even figure out what a Dougie was (damn I'm getting old). But when I did learn what it was, my first question was "Why would you make a dance up about a hairstyle?" Yay...there's no explaining this dance. But is it bad that I kind of like this song? Yeah...I know...I take that back.

"Crank dat Fundip"



Umm...I don't even know what to say about this. I mean...I like fun dip...its quite tasty but this is just really dumb. And wtf is the girl on the right wearing. Girl...leave a little something to the imagination sweetie...geeze. Why did everybody decide to make dances beginning with Crank that. While researching for this particular post I found...Crank that whatcha call it, yank, spiderman, spongebob, roadrunner and even crank that homeless man. This is too out of control. I can't...

There are so many more dances out there and frankly...I just can't even look at this foolishness anymore. I'm considering making my own dance up. I think I'll call it Crank that...WTF?