So bumming around my house the last few days switching from pajamas to pajamas has really given me time to think about my life. Not like what I'm going to do with the rest of it or boring sh*t like that, but the fact that my anniversary is rapidly approaching. Wait...anniversary? Girl you know damn well you ain't got no man! Well lucky for me I'm not talking about that kind of anniversary. Its come to my attention that the one year anniversary of me being single is staring me dead in the face. And I mean....what do I do? Should I buy my self flowers, a Victoria's Secret gift card and take myself to Red Lobster? While cheddar bay biscuits and crab legs sound awfully tempting...that's just weird and pathetic. So I guess what I've decided to do is a little bit of reflecting on the past year. From my holy sh*t I'm never going to get married I think I might jump out of a 10 story building phase to my OMG...you mean I can have any of these boys and not get into trouble phase. I did a significant amount of boy shopping this year. I Made some exchanges, returns, tried a few things on (most of which made me look fat) and suffered from extreme buyer's remorse. The past year has been more than anything I've ever experienced, alot of firsts, lasts, and ALOT of mistakes....like ALOT. But I can't be to mad about it...I've also learned ALOT. And what kind of horrific blogger would I be if I didn't share what I've learned. These are the things I've learned about being single.
1. If a guy has more than 1000 facebook friends or 500 twitter followers...wear a condom...he's probably a whore.
2. If a guy tells you that he loves you and asks you to be his girlfriend after only TWO weeks of knowing each other..run away as fast as you can! And don't be surprised if he tries to f*ck your friend.
3. If a guy only texts you between the hours of 8pm and 8am he DOES NOT like you. He only wants your vagina.
4. Besides my hair straightener and hair gloss, my phone number is the most sacred thing that I own. Be careful who you give it to...nothing will annoy you more than a text stalker. "Hey girl...you up?"
5. You will not meet your future husband at a bar/club/discoteca or any other place where alcohol is served and people are openly dry humping and or making out in public.
6. College is full of thirsty girls who will literally rip out your spleen to get to the cutest guy in the room. Oh...and girls are b*tches...raggedy ass b*tches.
7. If a guy puts you on limited profile its because he has a girlfriend. There is no other explanation.
8. NEVER trust the cute ones. They know that you aren't listening to their lies because you are dazzled by their abs and perfect lips.
9. Always date lower than you. If your an 8 date a 6 or 7. They will appreciate you because they know they don't deserve you.
10. Your ex is your ex for a reason. I won't even attempt to explain this.
11. Lies are your best friend. OF COURSE I have a boyfriend...SORRY I'm a huge lesbian...I hate penis.
12. Boys lie...especially when there is even the slightest chance that they can even fondle you. Oh that girl I'm kissing in my profile picture...that's my uh...cousin. We got a close family. Yea....
13. Girls talk about guys WAY more than guys talk about girls. A girl's best friend knows how long you lasted, how big you are, and what your moan sounds like.
14. Being pretty will get you everything. It will get you a free dinner, it will get you free drinks, and it will also get you inappropriately groped and called a stuck up b*tch who ain't even that bad.
15. There is nothing more fragile than the male ego.I don't even think I need to explain how big of babies guys are. Manly my ass.
16. Don't be a high maintenance chick. U cant sleep over a guys house if you've got fake hair, fake eyelashes, a push up bra and a booty pop. He gonna be salty in the morning...
17. Being single means you can never walk around town with sweats, and messy bun, and giant t-shirt like you did when you had a boyfriend. You will see a guy you know...and he will be grossed out.
18. Every guy is different from all those other guys and their only intention is to get to know you better...perhaps over dinner. And they will gladly explain what a gentleman they are as they caress your upper thigh.
19. People in relationships will make you vomit all over yourself. They are smoking love crack and don't care that their PDA is making you squirm in an incredibly uncomfortable bus seat.
20. And finally....fuck. I feel like I should write something incredibly insightful here about love and sh*t but I guess I only learned 19 things so I'll just write this for the sake of things being even...
Merry Single-versary to you and yours
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