Facebook.com...or as I like to call it procrastination.com or bored.com, is slowly turning into a stalkers paradise. Where else can you look through hundreds of photos of someone, read their random thoughts via status updates, and find out that they like Chipotle burritos, Lil Wayne, and "slapping who ever drank the last of the milk." Well, maybe Myspace...but what am I? 12? No. Even without looking at a person's page almost everything they do, comment on, or like shows up in that damn creepfeed. Its pretty much impossible to go on facebook without accidentally stalking/creeping someone that you may or may not know. We've all found ourselves looking at photo 457 of 765 photos while sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips when we are supposed to be writing page 7 of our 15 page research paper. I guess its only natural to be curious about the lives of others, but just like most things in life, there are certain rules that one should follow while Facebook creeping someone else. And of course I'm here to share with you these very very important rules. Thank me later.
1. Just like fight club the number one rule of Facebook creeping is to NEVER talk about facebook creeping. I'll explain. How weird would it be if you just happen to mention to a person you barely know how much fun it looked like they were having on the service trip they took to Guatemala 2 summers ago? You were obviously creeping their photo albums...and even though everyone does it, it is not acceptable to talk about it. So if that person that you had a group project with last semester happens to mention that very service trip...look shocked and surprised because your ass is def not supposed to know about it.
2. NEVER creep on someone in the library or on other public computers. You do realize that people walk behind you all the time in the library and in computer labs right? Therefore they can see that you are creeping photos from the beach trip that your crush just took. So chances are, while you are drooling over how fine he looks in those swim trunks, they are staring at you like wtf are you are doing. Even worse, what if the person you are creeping walks by and sees you staring at their page. That's pretty much a situation that you can NEVER recover from.
3. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT creep someone from your cell phone. Almost every other day I accidentally like someones status because my phone is retarded. Actually, that happened to me today when I wasn't even creeping anyone. I was simply scrolling through my news feed and liked a status that had NOTHING to do with me belonging to someone I barely know. With the popularity of touch screen phones you'd be surprised how many things I've accidentally liked or how many people I've accidentally poked. (Poking is lame btw...don't do it.)
4. Keep your creeping to the people on your friends list. I know its hard...you go on a friends page to make a wall post and see a post from a person you don't know at the very top. You wonder who they are, click on their page, and next thing you know you're looking at their '07 prom and graduation pics. You took it way to far with the creeping, considering you only have that one friend in common. Its really weird to creep people that you don't know AT ALL. We've all done it though. Your friend has a new girl friend...lets facebook her. Cute guy writes on your best friends page....how does she know him? Take a deep breath and resist the urge to look through all 678 photos of this person.
5. Finally, if you insist upon creeping people back to the very existence of their facebook page, ABSOLUTELY, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE OR COMMENT ON ANY POST THAT PRE-DATES YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDSHIP!! I don't think I can stress this one enough. Its written in all caps for goodness sakes, and I hate when people do that shiz. If we just become friends today and tomorrow I see you liked a status I made 2 years ago...I will know that you are a creeper and will be forced to put you on limited profile view along with my mom, little sister, and ex boyfriend. And no one wants to be banished into the land of limited profile view...its embarrassing. So control your urge to press the like button.
I hope that these rules help all my fellow facebook creepers of the world. There's almost 500 million people on facebook...so happy creeping =)
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