Can I put my letter in your mailbox?

Let's face it Americans are pretty damn uptight. ESPECIALLY about sex. Lets forget for a second that every industry in the U.S. from fast food to bottled water use sex to sell their products, but yet, try to open up an adult bookstore or strip club in Middle of Nowhere, USA and that shiz becomes a damn Supreme Court Case. Its kind of annoying, but the upside of not being able to openly discuss sex like our European counterparts is coming up with some pretty awesome Euphemisms for sex. Yep...they are pretty hilarious at times...and some of them barely make sense. Honestly, I use the phrase "smashing" at least ten times a day. So...I've compiled a list of some of the strangest/funniest/ and a few of my personal favorite Euphemisms for sex that I have ever heard. Get excited!

1.Putting the meat in her Taco

2. Bumping Uglies

3. Knocking Boots

4. Bury the Baby Leg

5. Butter the muffin

6. Clean her pipes

7. Horizontal Tango

8. Mixing baby juice

9. Parting the pink sea

10. Parking the beef bus in Tuna town

11. Laying Pipe

12. Porking

13. Putting the pickle in the hair sandwich

14. Sour cream in the burrito

15. Ride the baloney pony

16. Beat cheeks

17. Slappin skins

18. two in the pink, one in the stink

19. up to your nuts in guts

20. Balls Deep

21. Feed the Kitty

22. Get some stank on the hang low

23. Gettin the business

24. Hide the hot dog

25. Slip someone the hot beef injection

Yea...all of these kind of make me wanna barf. Wouldn't it just be easier to say have sex? Not in America...

Diary of a Flirty Nice Girl...

I've decided girls are insane. Like literally insane...as in I went on WebMD and diagnosed them. Ok...that was a really weird statement...I guess I should probably put that into perspective for you. So the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Freakin Albert Einstein said that shiz!! So it must be real! So what the heck do we keep doing over and over again and expecting different results? Just guess...of course it has to do with boys *sigh*. Ugh...we keep putting ourselves in the awkward position of being super nice and flirty with a guys we don't like AT ALL, giving them our numbers because we literally can't so no to dudes for fear of looking like jerks, and then getting SOOOO freakin mad when he texts us to hang out. (If this weren't true...there would be no need for the rejection hot line.) I mean who does that!! Apparently chicks do...and I've already decided that we are insane. We know its dumb, we know its mean, and we know we're gonna wanna kick ourselves in the chin the next day when he calls/texts but whats a girl to do? I mean we could just stop flirting with people that we don't like...but its just so much fun. Sometimes we are bored and you're our entertainment, or sometimes we're drunk...and you'll do for now, and other times we're just effin idiots. BUT...sometimes we are just dead wrong for taking our flirting to the max...like sitting in someones lap, whispering in their ear, and even kissing them when we don't like them. Then I guess we just expect them to forget all that went down and some how magically realize that we don't want them...when we pretty much did everything in our power to make it seem like we wanted their D. On the other hand...just becasue a girl grinds on you a party doesnt mean she wants to go home with you/wants your D. Sh*t thats just how people dance these days. They literally dry hump on the dance floor and then walk away. But most of the time...I think its a mixture of a girl wanting to be nice and not hurt the guys feelings by turning him down and guys not being able to take a hint. Do you know how hard it is to tell a guy you have no interest in him without looking like a total B*TCH! I think its because guys only understand BLUNT language. Real conversations I've had with guys:

Me: "I have a boyfriend"
Creepy guy hitting on me: "I don't see him here"

Me: "I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend is right here" *Puts my arm around my friend*
Creepy Guy hitting on me: "I just wanna watch"

Really wtf...do I just have to say NO and turn my back on you? So...we ignore your texts/phone calls/wall posts/facebook chats/photo comments and hope that you will eventually forget that we ever existed. Maybe that's not the most effective method for getting rid of an unwanted suitor...but for a nice girl and chronic flirter who is absolutely terrified of confrontation/awkwardness...its like the only option. So call us a b*tches, call us a cock teases, call us whatever makes you feel better. Because honestly...half the time we cant even argue with you...because you are right. But when the alternative is being known as stuck up b*itch...I'll take being the flirty nice girl..who occasionally pisses dudes off.

The Great Debate...

I'm not the type of person to get all serious and preachy...believe me life is to short for that. I'd much rather laugh and make light of things than focus on all the negativity that goes on in the world. But I guess there's a topic out there that's been on my mind lately and I really feel like I need to discuss it. So recently, Houston rapper Slim Thug made some very disheartening comments about black women that maybe annoyed me just a little. Honestly...my first thought was who the eff even cares what the f*ck Slim Thug has to say about anyone...who is this dude...and why is he even getting interviewed. But because it's not the first time I've heard dumb comments about black women from a rapper or black athlete...it really got me thinking. Basically he was saying that all black women are gold diggers, our standards are too high, and that the only reason he stays with his current girlfriend is because she is half white and that's the part of her that does what he says. I guess it was just a list of the reasons he prefers women of other races over black women. Ugh...this debate has been raging on and on in the black community for like ever: why is it that SOME black men prefer women who are either light skinned, mixed, white, or "exotic" looking? And of course as a black woman I wondered the same thing myself. Don't get me wrong...its okay to have a preference (I myself prefer darker skinned men) but SOME men take it from just a preference to a place where they will ONLY date these types of women. I'll admit...until very recently this was something that actually hurt my feelings. I mean...was I not just as beautiful as a lighter skinned girl? Adding to my discomfort was the fact that for a greater part of my childhood I was the only black girl in every one of my classes. Every image I was exposed to (rap videos, TV shows, and other media) told me that what I looked like was not the ideal beauty. It stung to be told that "I was pretty for a black girl" and that "I had nice hair for a black girl". Why couldn't I just be pretty for me. But with confidence and age I have learned that I could care less about the preferences of SOME black men. Whether they prefer my "type" of beauty or not really has nothing to do with me at all. I am no longer offended by men who only find the "red" girls attractive, the guys who will look past me because I don't possess the silky smooth hair of an Asian girl, or the guys who think that because I am a black woman that I am only capable of rolling my neck and snapping my fingers. I only desire to be loved by someone who can appreciate me for everything that I am which includes what I look like physically. I will no longer hold my tongue in an effort to avoid the "angry black women" stereotype. I'm not mad at men who only date white women or light skinned women. And I could care less anymore if the lead girl in every rap video is a Brazilian with hair down to her ass. None of it is a reflection on my beauty. In learning to love yourself the opinions of others will matter less and less. I know not every black man feels this way...but there are quite a few that do. I only seek to understand why they feel that they are only attracted to these types of women...not get mad or try to convince them that I too am beautiful. What would I even gain from changing their mind? I certainly would not gain anymore confidence than I already have because confidence is not gained from the opinions of others. At the end of the day, every women (black, white, whatever) deserves to be loved for all the unique qualities they posses and not just because they fit into some stereotype of beauty that has been shoved down the throats of men for ages. I wish that black women could just let go of their bitterness because honestly no man should be able to define you. But no matter what, I will always love black men...even if sometimes they chose not to love me back.

Already Taken-Trey Songz

So I guess Trey Songz is trying to release a video a day or something. I don't mind though...I could stare at that face ALL morning/day/afternoon and night. So this one is for the Step Up 3D movie that's coming out soon. I'm not going to even discuss why the eff there needs to be a 3D dance movie...but I'm excited for it none the less. The video is ok...but who cares...its Trey. He could release a remix of Old McDonald and I'd cop that sh*t! Yea I'm obsessed. One question though...why is the leading lady in this video Trey's ex-girlfriend? I'm just saying...

Rent the Runway!

I pretty much could go on and on about how much I love fashion...and how I'm way to broke to afford most of the things that I drool over. Just today I spent hours online looking at shoes that I most certainly could never buy because I'm currently unemployed...and even if I did have a job...$1500 shoes are a little out of my price range (just a little). But the answer to every wanna be fashionistas prayers has come true...and its called "Rent the Runway." Its pretty much exactly what it sounds like. My lil sis put me up on this website some months back and I kinda LOVE the hell out of this idea. So check me out...this website contains clothing from top designers such as Nicole Miller and Herve Leger (love)and once you become a member (very simple) you can browse the awesome collection of clothes. Once you find something you like simply rent it, they deliver it in two sizes (such a smart idea btw)and once you are done return it. They even take care of the dry cleaning! So if you have a special occasion (birthday, prom...whatevers) you can get a designer dress that would usually cost thousands of bucks for about 10% of that cost. This is such a great idea because if you are like me...you rarely wear a dress twice. I have so much sh*t in my closet that has only been worn once its ridiculous. I might have to reconsider this policy however...times is gettin rough! Anywhoo...I think every lady should check this website out. Damn I wish they could do this with shoes...a pair of Louboutins would make my life...even if it was just for one night...

F*ck these N*ggas!!

It all started in Mrs. Holiday's kindergarten class when I met my first crush, Jamal January. Sure I was only five years old at the time but he had to be THE finest boy in all of my Elementary School. Since that moment there was always a guy that I thought I was head over heels for...scribbling their names on my notebooks, trying to figure out how to sit next to them at lunch, and begging my best friend to find out if he liked me. Ugh...16 years later nothing has really changed. At the age of 21 I'm still just as boy crazy as I was in middle school. Instead of scribbling their names on my notebooks, I'm constantly thinking about them. No more trying to sit next to them at lunch...I'm trying to find out where they are gonna be this weekend and how I can get there. And well...I guess I could still use my best friend to find out if they like me...but knowing her she would just tell them I like them instead. I'm friends with some really smart ladies...why is it that every time we get together we are dishing about boys. I mean we don't have to discuss economic policies or Russian literature...but do they have to DOMINATE all of our convos? After a decade and a half of liking boys...I'm so exhausted. The crushing, the constant texting (dear god the texting), the hating them,the disappointment, the heartbreak, then the loving them again. I really cant stand it anymore. Its like a part time effin job! You haven't lived until you have been on the phone with one guy, while texting two other guys, all while having a facebook chat with another. And its not just the single life that's exhausting...being in a relationship is equally as draining. Try writing a paper or completing a problem set while crying over your latest relationship woes. Try breaking up like every week for a month and them tell me how you feel at the end of it. I'm starting to see that so many girls let guys control their lives (including me). I've seen the most beautiful and intelligent girls reduced to a stuttering pile of mush over a guy. This by no means is to bash guys (I still freakin love the hell out of them) but perhaps a wake up call to all the girls in the world who obsess over them. Why do that when I'm sure guys are not doing the same thing over us? Yea I doubt dudes are waiting by their phone for you to text or call them. As girls I feel like we give of our emotions to easily. Last week I had a guy tell me that I made him feel like a girl because he was the one constantly trying to chill with me...and I acted like a guy because I had no emotions. Honestly, I think I'm just to tired to care...I've given away to much of myself to guys over the years. So now I'm at the point where I might join a nunnery...okay maybe I'll just take a break from them (let's not get crazy!). I'm just so mad that they make me like them! So in the immortal words of Weezy F. Baby...F*ck these N*ggas!!

Breaking up is hard to do...

Anyway you slice it...break ups suck big hairy balls. Whether he cheated on you with your sister or you guys just drifted apart..there is a certain amount of pain that everyone is going to have to go through when they decide to end a relationship. It really doesn't matter if it was two months or 10 years...its gonna sting a little. So you've broken up with someone and your single...what now? Society (and by society I mean stupid romantic comedies) dictate that we must cry alot and consume massive amounts of ice cream. Bleh...crying makes me uncomfortable and I'm lactose intolerant. Its really hard to get over someone you cared about...or better yet loved. I don't think I've quite figured it out yet...but I can tell you what not to do...

1. DO NOT go out and hook up with someone immediately after your break up! Whoever came up with the phrase "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under another" is a f*ckin idiot...and a slutty idiot at that. It honestly doesn't help you get over anything...its just gonna add to the sh*t that you are already dealing with. And I'm pretty sure the person you hook up with isn't going to appreciate you crying all over them while you talk about your ex. And please don't do this while you are intoxicated. As much as your friends will try to get you to go out and get wasted to make you feel better....resist with every bone in your body.

2. DO NOT pretend like everything is ok. If you feel like crying...please...cry. You can try to pretend like you are dealing with everything perfectly fine and that you don't really care, but be careful because one day you could be sitting on the bus on your way to campus and a John Legend song will come on your mp3 player...and you might awkwardly burst into tears. Yea...people don't respond well to the girl sobbing on the bus. It would have been much better if you just cried at home. So cry...scream if you must...just don't hold it in.

3.DO NOT hook up with your ex. This one may seem very tempting. A little bit after you break up with someone and the initial anger subsides...you start remembering all the good times you shared instead of all the reasons that led to your break up. At this point you may feel lonely and you start to think that maybe no one will ever get your crazy sense of humor quite like him, or that no one else will find the fact that you cant brush you teeth without getting toothpaste in your hair as cute as he does. Yea...this too shall pass...so keep your damn pants on and legs shut! You will regret it because it will only confuse the hell out of you.

4. DO NOT lock yourself in your room. I know I said its okay to be sad and cry, but really the worst thing you can do is lock yourself away in your room and hide under your covers. While I wouldn't suggest any hardcore partying, its a good idea to do something fun like go shopping or hang out with your friends. Laying in the dark, and listening to sad love songs on repeat while neglecting your classes and extracurriculars is only going to make things worst when you do decide to come out of your haze of patheticness. So open the blinds, put away he Kleenex, and take your ass to class.

5. DO NOT beat yourself up for not being able to get over someone quickly enough. Face it...there is a reason you were with that person in the first place, even if it didn't really work out the way you planned. So if you still find yourself missing them or thinking about them don't freak out. Like all good things (wine, cheese, having sex ) it will get so much better in time. There's no rule that says if you were with someone a year you should be over them in some specific amount of time. Nope...everyone heals at their own pace...so calm yourself.

6. Finally...and maybe the most important DO NOT facebook stalk your ex!!!! OMG I cant stress this one enough. If you can either block, defriend, or at least hide them from your news feed. You do not need to see pics of your ex getting wasted at a party with his arm around some unidentified skank...who could very well be prettier than you. You do not need to hear his status updates about how awesome his day was...especially if you haven't quite gotten over him yet. Unfollow his ass on twitter and any other social networking site...its for your own sanity and well being..believe me. Count your lucky stars if your ex does not have a facebook or twitter...you wont even be tempted to stalk the hell out of them for hours each day wondering if they have moved on yet.

Hopefully if you follow these rules you can get through your break up with a minimal amount of emotional scars. Breaking up is hard to do...so don't make it even harder.

Sex Room- Ludacris ft. Trey Songz

So clearly its Trey Songz day today. Honestly, I've been a little busy the past week or so and haven't had time to keep up with things. But I've been waiting a long time for this video to come out and somehow it slipped underneath my radar. But its here and its a decent video. Has a bit of a Hangover (the very hilarious movie) theme to it which I loved. But the rest is pretty much the freaky sh*t you would expect from Trey and Luda with a song titled "Sex Room." Never the less...love the song...its been on repeat in my mp3 player for weeks now and the video is cute.

Yo Side of the Bed- Trey Songz

So I've been hearing a lot about this video and I finally had time to watch it today. I'm still literally a puddle of tears right now. It was so sad. Trey...you know I love you but I hate crying...so stop it. It was a good video and matched the song very well. S.N. super duper jealous of Keri Hilson because she got to kiss that gorgeous man. Oh one day...

To be...or not to be?

So a while back I wrote about how double standards made it hard for a girl to get her freak on outside of a relationship without looking like a skeeze. (Good Girl Gone Bad?) Yea, unfortunately I still haven't solved that problem, but I'm working on it...along with the oil spill in the gulf and the world economic crisis. But I did get a lot of feedback on that post and of course someone suggested that perhaps having a "Friend with benefits" (FWB) could be the solution to this horrible problem plaguing single ladies everywhere. Its pretty much one of the most hotly debated topics ever. Does it work? Does it not work? Doesn't someone always get hurt? I quickly dismissed that possibility citing the possibility of developing feelings for that person and blah blah blah. I mean, I get infatuated with a person so easily it should be criminal. Luckily for me though, I get over it as quickly as it starts (I have boy ADD). I've ALWAYS thought having a FWB was a terrible terrible TERRIBLE idea! But now...I think I've had a change of heart. Don't ask me why (because I wont tell you) but now I'm beginning to think that this is a valid solution. Yes, there is the possibility of developing feelings, but in certain circumstances...a FWB can be your best friend. I think the most important part is to be honest with this person (cliche I know) but it really helps when both people are on the same page. The last thing I need is a dude seeing me out with another guy and going completely ape sh*t because he thought I was his effin soul mate. Nope! As long as both people know whats up...this awkward situation can be avoided. Another thing that helps is if your FWB is not exactly apart of your close circle of friends. You don't need to constantly run into them, especially if you are at a party trying to mac on someone else. Trying to keep a relationship like that is damn near impossible when they are always around...you minus well date them. Now...one of the most important parts of having a successful FWB relationship (to me at least) is to put a time limit on your interaction. If you are having sex with someone for like a year there's a greater chance that you will end up developing feelings for them as opposed to if its a summer fling that only lasts 3 months. Pretty much after the 3 month mark...you are dating...and that's real. This type of relationship is definitely not for everyone. It takes a lot to do something so intimate, like sex, with another person for an extended period of time and not feel anything. If you don't feel a little something...check your pulse because you might be dead...legit. So if you are the jealous, possessive, or overly emotional type of chick that has her entire wedding planned out already even though she doesn't have a man...you might want to steer clear of this. And if you a sensitive ass n*gga who enjoys long walks on the beach, puppies and butterflies...this might not be for you. My advice...know what you are getting yourself into, because nothing stings quite like unrequited love.

What's a date?

These past few months sans relationship have taught me alot. I'm a failure at flirting, boys will do the most outrageous sh*t if they believe they have even the slightest chance of smashing, and don't give out your number to five guys in one night(Thanks Four Loko). But maybe the most valuable thing I have learned is...there is no such thing as "dating" in college. What exactly do I mean by dating you ask? I mean the cliche boy picks girl up from her house, takes her somewhere, pays for her, then drives her home and MAYBE she kisses him. Nope...that entire scenario does not exist in college...at all. Maybe its because people in college are broke all the damn time, too busy to actually go out on dates, or they are just plain lazy. Either way, in college...you study with a dude, chill at his gross apartment that smells like toe jam and rotting takeout, watch a movie, maybe eat some pizza, and either put out or bounce. Yep...for four years (if you aren't in a relationship) your dating life will consist of pizza and rented dvds. That was one of the only perks to having a boyfriend...every now and then I could actually go to a restaurant with a menu that wasn't illuminated by fluorescent light bulbs and covered in french fry grease. Just when I had given up hope on all guys...forever, the weirdest sh*t happened to me. I actually went on a date. Like a real life date! It was effin weird...and I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I mean...he opened the door for me, told me I looked nice and did all kinds of other creepy date-like stuff. And quite honestly...I didn't like it. Maybe college kids have the right idea about dating. I mean the entire point of taking someone out it to get to know them right? So do I really need to squeeze into a pair of brand new jeans, go to dinner with a person and pretend to listen to what they are saying while I pray I don't have something in my teeth. I don't think so...all that just puts unnecessary pressure and awkwardness on people...and f*ck dates aren't cheap! Its especially bad for me because I HATE when people pay for things for me (I'm weird like that). But yea...I've decided that dating, along with paying bills, having a job, and not being able to get ridiculously drunk on a Wednesday is yet another thing that I am not looking forward to doing when I finally decide to become an adult.