Boys will be boys....

***Disclaimer***
This isn't my usual blogging style. I just couldn't seem to find humor in the situation. Not like me I know. And if you're reading this and you think its about you...theres a good chance its not.

I decided today that men are a lot more clever than I give them credit for. In fact they are brilliant. They fool us into thinking that they are utterly incapable of any sort of intelligent or original thought because really what human being enjoys sitting in front of a video game for hours upon hours. And what sort of human being can live in their own filth like that. We’ve just assumed that because they act like pigs that they have the mental capacity of a pig as well. But they are so clever aren’t they? The way the play us like fools. The way they do everything that a boyfriend would do, without ever fully giving us the title. The way they keep us just close enough so that we’ll still answer their late night texts when they want to “see” us, but far enough away so that you understand being a date to a dinner function is just beyond the scope of your relationship. Because we know that we’re in college and maybe it’s not the right time. We understand that your job takes up so much of your time. And we sympathize with you when you tell us that you just got out of a long term relationship. We rationalize all of the reasons why you can’t commit to us…right now. So we lay in our beds at night content with our title-less pseudo relationships because we are terrified of being left alone with ourselves for even one moment. And we will take gladly 1/6 of you while we give one hundred and fifteen percent of ourselves. We don’t take the time to see the inequity of it all because we are far too busy. Busy day dreaming about you. Busy de-coding your latest text for signs that maybe…just maybe you like us “like that.” To busy holding on to the belief that he couldn’t possibly be saying all the things he says to me and he couldn’t possibly be doing all the things that he does to me if he didn’t like me “like that.” But the truth is, all the reasons he gave you don’t exist. And those reasons we thought up on our own are simply figments of our own befuddled imaginations. Because when a guy likes you and I mean really likes you nothing will stand in the way of him being with you. Not hell nor high water and certainly not “timing.” So when all is said and done we are the ones left confused when he out of the blue has a girlfriend. A girl that he was willing to commit to despite the reasons he spat in your face. And now your heart is in your stomach and your jaw is on the floor because this couldn’t be. What kind of person does that to someone else? I thought he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We didn’t even see it coming. Like being hit by a bus on our way home. A bus that we should have saw coming, but we we didn’t, because felt safe enough not to have to look both ways anymore. But when the story is retold, recounted for the entire world to hear, you are the fool. WE are the fools. The fools who is crying over a guy that was nothing to us. Because did our feelings really exist or even mean a damn thing without the title. Can we even validate our hurt feelings, our anger, our homicidal thoughts toward him if you weren’t really his girlfriend? So we don’t get mad. We don’t raise a fuss and we try not to shed a tear for our glorified fuck buddy. For our intimate associate. And he moves on knowing that he doesn’t owe us an explanation for the way he treated us. Believing wholeheartedly that he has no responsibility for our broken heart. After all, we were never official. He’ll quickly about the good morning baby texts he sent every day or the I miss you phone calls that could last into the wee hours of the morning. Those are just things the guys do to all the girls right? It didn’t mean he actually cared. You’ll just be some girl he smashed back in the day before he met his wife. Just some girl. It’s as if we imagined the whole thing and broke our own hearts. Women are taught to be passive when it comes to love. To give an ultimatum or to demand anything of our lovers is taboo. And we wouldn’t want to break the rules now would we. We wouldn’t want to take control of our own feelings and simply ask the question “what are we?” We will happily sit back and wait for you to tell us what we are or are not. We will wait until the day you tell us that we are…done. That something better has come along and we are no longer needed or desired. And then we are left with what we had all along. Absolutely nothing. Lucky for you though, you got to leave with a souvenir. A giant chunk of us. You know. The part of us that trusts and loves and feels. You took it with you.
I hope it grows back soon.

Who came first...the pimp or the hoe?

I'm a firm believer that all girls are crazy. Every single one of them...absolutely insane. And the prettier they are, the more psycho they are. Even though I like to believe with all my heart that I'm one of those calm, laid back non Jasmine Sullivan I'll bust the windows out yo car type of chicks that all guys dream about...the reality is, I'm just as crazy as the rest of them. I HAVE been brought to the point of almost throwing a brick through a window shield. Now before you give me the stank face for turning my back on my own gender and revealing our (worst kept) secret, hear me out. You know that really crazy girl who's super jealous of any girl her boyfriend (or if she's extra crazy, the guy she's hooking up with) talks to? Yea, u know...the one who goes through her dude's cell phone, puts the black light to his sheets and basically inspector gadgets the hell out of his life...she was probably cheated on at some point in her life. Chances are she wasn't always crazy, she could have been a real nice girl...back in the day...before she met...Tyrone. Yes I said Tyrone...it just sounds like a really douchey name which is useful for the purposes of this post. Don't judge me. Anyway...this girl was probably really trusting and she gave Tyrone her heart...among other things. AND THEN...she found out Tyrone was gettin it in with some Becky down the street and now is unable to trust men again..and for sure hates every white girl in the world. Sounds like a story we've all heard before. Poor girl, she used to date Tyrone and now her ass is crazy. But have we ever really thought about what happened to Tyrone, who he used to date? What if before the crazy girl, Tyrone used to date...Bonquisha (that doesn't even sound like a name you can trust does it?). Bonquisha was Tyrone's first love. Despite her unfortunate name he was crazy about her. He treated her right, took her on picnics and what not, and even spent what little money he had on her (probably getting her hair done...Bonquisha sounds like a girl with a weave). But as you might have guessed...Bonquisha was just a raggedy hoe who only wanted Tyrone because he bought her a couple of packs of Remy hair (100% human) and took her to the movies. So when Bonquisha...with her raggedy ass, takes her hair and leaves...Tyrone is thus transformed into a cold hearted player/pimp type dude who turns his next girl into crazy private detective hiring ass chick. I could easily ask what happened to Bonquisha, besides being named Bonquisha, that turned her into such a dirty hoe. But honestly...who has time for that. So once again I reiterate the fact that ALL girls are crazy and that the prettier they are the crazier they are. The pretty ones have more opportunities with guys and thus more opportunities to have their lives ripped to tiny little shreds. Girls..ok...WE are so freaking crazy because someone (a guy who shall remain nameless) made us this way. And maybe that guy was crazy because some chick ruined his life and credit before he ever met us. Its like a never ending saga that just goes on and on forever. So all we are really left with is the question...who came first...the pimp or the hoe?

The thirsty b**tch quiz

Thirsty. Typically a word that we associate with how we feel after eating one of those expensive salty ass pretzels from the mall. But that's not the kind of thirsty I'm talking about today. I'm talking about the thirsty ass girls I seem to be surrounded by everyday of my life. What is a thirsty ass b*tch you ask? In one word...desperate. Scratch that...EXTREMELY desperate for some type of play from a guy...any guy. Thirsty ass b*tches come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and they seem to be hiding behind almost every corner. They don't have a man...and if you've got one they want yours. These girls aren't hard to find...and if you see one you'll know. But how do you know if YOU'RE the thirsty b*tch? Well that's why I'm here. After many Friday and Saturday nights (and sometimes Wednesdays) spent conducting highly classified research, I have a composed a short but effective quiz to measure your level of thirstiness. If only one thirsty chick reforms herself after taking this quiz, I wouldn't have conducted those many hours of research in vain.

1. Have you ever attended a sporting event with the sole intention of attracting attention from guys?
If you have gone to a basketball game in stilettos, a face full of makeup, a low cut shirt, tight jeans, and an over sized Louis Vuitton bag that only contains lip gloss and a cell phone...then you might be a thirsty b*tch. Give yourself one point. Give yourself another point if you dint even know the rules of basketball.

2.Have you ever gone to the club in stripper gear and danced provocatively in front of VIP in the hopes that some guy will share his bottle with you?
If you have waited for a Trey Songz song to come on so you can dance like a freak in front of the guys in VIP spending their rent money on bottles of Nuvo and Ciroc in order to get a glass of watered down vodka and cranberry...you might be a thirsty b*tch. Give yourself one point. Give yourself another point if that's the only drink you had that night.

3. Have you ever gone to the gym looking like one of the girls from the Kanye workout plan video?
If you have gone to the gym in too tight spandex shorts, a sports bra more useful for showing off your cleavage than supporting anything, foundation and eyeshadow and your entire outfit was color coordinated...you might be a thirsty b*tch. Give yourself a point. If your hair was also down and you only walked on the treadmill without breaking a sweat...give yourself another point.

4. Have you ever walked past a group of guys and gotten angry that they didn't comment on your appearance?
If you came to campus in your cutest outfit, hair done, nails done, everything did for the sole purpose of walking past the spot where all the athletes hang out and gotten angry when you didn't even get an "aye girl"...then you might be a thirsty b*tch. Give yourself a point. Give yourself an extra point if you walked by more than once that day...and got mad again.

5.Do 75% or more of your facebook profile pics involve you taking pictures in front of the mirror with your blackberry?
If the majority of your profile pictures contain more ass, hips, thighs, and breasts than face...you might be a thirsty b*tch. Give yourself a point. If all of the captions include comments about how fine you are or how big your ass has gotten...give yourself another point.


Now that you have completed the the quiz, it's time to find out your particular level of thirstiness. There are ten possible points. If you scored a two or lower..you could use a glass of water, but never fear there is still time for you to change. If you scored between a three or five...you have reached an unfortunate level of thirstiness. You may need to have a bucket of water dumped on you to quench that thirst. And finally if you scored above a five... THIRTY B*ITCH ALERT!!! I repeat THIRSTY B*TCH ALERT!! You have reached the maximum level of thirstiness. You might want to consider entering a thirsty b*tch rehab program. No amount of water can help you now. Stay thirsty my friends...

Merry Single-versary...

So bumming around my house the last few days switching from pajamas to pajamas has really given me time to think about my life. Not like what I'm going to do with the rest of it or boring sh*t like that, but the fact that my anniversary is rapidly approaching. Wait...anniversary? Girl you know damn well you ain't got no man! Well lucky for me I'm not talking about that kind of anniversary. Its come to my attention that the one year anniversary of me being single is staring me dead in the face. And I mean....what do I do? Should I buy my self flowers, a Victoria's Secret gift card and take myself to Red Lobster? While cheddar bay biscuits and crab legs sound awfully tempting...that's just weird and pathetic. So I guess what I've decided to do is a little bit of reflecting on the past year. From my holy sh*t I'm never going to get married I think I might jump out of a 10 story building phase to my OMG...you mean I can have any of these boys and not get into trouble phase. I did a significant amount of boy shopping this year. I Made some exchanges, returns, tried a few things on (most of which made me look fat) and suffered from extreme buyer's remorse. The past year has been more than anything I've ever experienced, alot of firsts, lasts, and ALOT of mistakes....like ALOT. But I can't be to mad about it...I've also learned ALOT. And what kind of horrific blogger would I be if I didn't share what I've learned. These are the things I've learned about being single.

1. If a guy has more than 1000 facebook friends or 500 twitter followers...wear a condom...he's probably a whore.

2. If a guy tells you that he loves you and asks you to be his girlfriend after only TWO weeks of knowing each other..run away as fast as you can! And don't be surprised if he tries to f*ck your friend.

3. If a guy only texts you between the hours of 8pm and 8am he DOES NOT like you. He only wants your vagina.

4. Besides my hair straightener and hair gloss, my phone number is the most sacred thing that I own. Be careful who you give it to...nothing will annoy you more than a text stalker. "Hey girl...you up?"

5. You will not meet your future husband at a bar/club/discoteca or any other place where alcohol is served and people are openly dry humping and or making out in public.

6. College is full of thirsty girls who will literally rip out your spleen to get to the cutest guy in the room. Oh...and girls are b*tches...raggedy ass b*tches.

7. If a guy puts you on limited profile its because he has a girlfriend. There is no other explanation.

8. NEVER trust the cute ones. They know that you aren't listening to their lies because you are dazzled by their abs and perfect lips.

9. Always date lower than you. If your an 8 date a 6 or 7. They will appreciate you because they know they don't deserve you.

10. Your ex is your ex for a reason. I won't even attempt to explain this.

11. Lies are your best friend. OF COURSE I have a boyfriend...SORRY I'm a huge lesbian...I hate penis.

12. Boys lie...especially when there is even the slightest chance that they can even fondle you. Oh that girl I'm kissing in my profile picture...that's my uh...cousin. We got a close family. Yea....

13. Girls talk about guys WAY more than guys talk about girls. A girl's best friend knows how long you lasted, how big you are, and what your moan sounds like.

14. Being pretty will get you everything. It will get you a free dinner, it will get you free drinks, and it will also get you inappropriately groped and called a stuck up b*tch who ain't even that bad.

15. There is nothing more fragile than the male ego.I don't even think I need to explain how big of babies guys are. Manly my ass.

16. Don't be a high maintenance chick. U cant sleep over a guys house if you've got fake hair, fake eyelashes, a push up bra and a booty pop. He gonna be salty in the morning...

17. Being single means you can never walk around town with sweats, and messy bun, and giant t-shirt like you did when you had a boyfriend. You will see a guy you know...and he will be grossed out.

18. Every guy is different from all those other guys and their only intention is to get to know you better...perhaps over dinner. And they will gladly explain what a gentleman they are as they caress your upper thigh.

19. People in relationships will make you vomit all over yourself. They are smoking love crack and don't care that their PDA is making you squirm in an incredibly uncomfortable bus seat.

20. And finally....fuck. I feel like I should write something incredibly insightful here about love and sh*t but I guess I only learned 19 things so I'll just write this for the sake of things being even...

Merry Single-versary to you and yours

Facebook official...

Last week a friend of mine was telling us about her new boyfriend. He sounded kind of awesome so of course I had to ask to see a picture of him. "Just pull up his facebook" I said. But to the shock and awe of everyone in the room she said that they were NOT friends on facebook. As in...they both have a facebook...but they weren't friends. I couldn't have been more shocked than if she would have said he had a 12 inch penis...growing out of his forehead. WTF do you mean you aren't facebook friends with your BOYFRIEND. How are you going to stalk him endlessly all day as well as that b*tch who keeps liking all of his photos? Who is that B*tch?! This day in age, you aren't official until you are "facebook official" as in I see that little red heart next to "in a relationship with". But the more she talked about it the more it made sense to never EVER friend your boyfriend on facebook. LIKE ever. It also got me thinking one step further...what if we just banned ALL the couples from facebook? You know the ones I'm talking about. The one's whose wall to wall makes you want to VOM all over your keyboard! Maybe they just don't realize that they are really f*ckin annoying. But after this there is NO EXCUSE for your disgusting behavior. Sit down. Pen and paper. Write. These are the DO NOTS of being facebook official.

1.Kissy photos with annoying captions. Every time I see one of these pop up in my news feed I feel myself dry heaving. WHY in the world would you put a picture of you and your significant other tonguing each other down as your profile picture. I don't want to see that bullsh*t! Even worse are the captions that often accompany these cringe-worthy photos. Ex. Me and my BAE!!! I <3 him sooooo much. He's my world!!! Girl...u are gonna look real dumb when he plays your ass. I feel like only really insecure people do this. Its screams "Look at me!! Someone actually likes me enough to kiss me in front of a camera! Aren't you jealous of our love!" Barf. But what I think about most when I see these photos is how awkward it must have been to take that photo...

2. Being "THAT" girl. When I say this phrase...most of the girls of the world know exactly who I'm talking about. "THAT" girl is the one who makes every status about how much she looooves her boyfriend, how they are going to get married and blah blah. She likes every single action he does on facebook. He becomes a fan of Chipotle...who do you think is going to like it first. Yes...that crazy b*tch. All her profile pictures are of the two of them and she's always posting I love u's and hearts and shit all over his damn page. Basically marking her territory so other b*tches know this dude is taken...and his girlfriend will probably cut your ass if you try to talk to him. She's changed her last name to his last name...despite the fact that he has yet to put a 2 or more karat square cut diamond in white gold or platinum setting from Tiffany's on her finger. (That was really specific.) But the worst part about all of this is that if you go to his page...you wouldn't even know that he was in a relationship if it wasn't for this psycho chick writing all over his wall. All his statuses are about shit he actually cares about...like shoes, cars, and football. NOT his girlfriend. Its always awkward to see these one sided facebook relationships. He's probably going to cheat on you...

3.Annoying wall to wall conversations. We get it. You're head over heels in f*cking love. Yippee for you. That is no reason to subject me to your disgusting displays of facebook affection. The quickest way to get hidden from my news feed is to have a conversation on each others walls that is clearly meant to be texted or chatted or hell...sent in a damn smoke signal. Example:

GIRL:Babbbbyyyyy I miss you so much I can't want to see your face tonight for our date!!

GUY:I miss you tooo baby what do you want to eat tonight. I can pick you up something from the store

GIRL:I'll eat whatever you like because I'm really dumb and I only commented on your page to show everyone how in love we are and that we actually go on dates! All my single friends will be so jealous!

GUY:I looooveee you to baby <3 <3 <3

There is no reason I need to see a conversation about what you are going to eat for diner tonight in my news feed. TEXT that shit!

4.The dysfunctional couple. Whats worst than a couple that is over the top romantic and gross all the time? A couple that's ALWAYS fighting. Everybody is friends with at least one couple like this. Their relationship status changes daily. One minute they are in a relationship, then its complicated, then they are single then next week they are engaged. You can watch their fights play out all over facebook from melodramatic status updates to facebook comment wars. Its pathetic...and embarrassing. But honestly I live for these crazy ass people. I will pop me some popcorn and watch as their relationship crumbles right in front of me. You got to be on a whole other level to show all your drama like that. But if you want to keep acting like you are on an episode of Maury...I am obligated to watch and laugh my little ass off. Dont fight on facebook please...

The moral of this post is that if you so choose to be "facebook official" DON'T be annoying. I will find you...and I will make you read this. There's only so much of peoples love, PDA, and drama that I am equipped to handle at any given time. It makes you look stupid and even though you think all 600 of your friends care about how you and your girlfriend had such a great time eating sushi in the park...believe me...they don't. And sh*t...neither do I.

Cheatin ass cheater...

Obviously I haven't blogged in forever...school is ruining my life. But I just had to take time out of my busy schedule of exams, homework, volunteering, working, and being completely and utterly drunk to address a VERY serious issue. And as you could have guessed by my lovely title...its about cheatin ass cheaters. You know...the guys who think we are too dumb or to socially retarded to figure that while they are texting us things that could make a porn star blush...they got a angry ass girl at home. Yea...you n*gga. I'm talking to you...and your friend over there too. Silly boys...you didn't think we knew about ALL your little tricks did you? Girls are smart...we know how to investigate the sh*t out of you. I knew a girl who found out her boyfriend was cheating on her by googling his ass. And of course he wasn't smart enough to hide the evidence. But even when they think they are being smart...covering their muddy little paw prints...we STILL catch them.

Exhibit A: The boy you thought was such a nice guy. He likes what you like, thinks you are pretty and actually calls you between the hours of 8am and 8pm. You are even facebook friends with him. So he cant have girlfriend right...it would totally say it on his facebook page right? Right? Dead ass wrong. Thanks to the awesome/fantastic/wonderful privacy settings on facebook, you can be on limited profile without even knowing about it. So every time you look at his page you see exactly what he wants you to see. The I love you wall posts from his psycho girlfriend don't exist to you and his relationship status is a hidden mystery. But every time his girl looks at his page she sees that "in a relationship with" and continues knitting blue socks for their future children that they've decided will be twins who play football. Sounds like a cheaters dream right? Of course a guy would find a way to mess it up. Yea you put me on limited...but what about my home girl from third grade and my other girl from Physics class. Yea...you just got told on...

I really wish that guys could figure out that although we don't want to be...girls are f*cking stalkers. You think you can hide things from us...but all I really need is your first and last name. I'll find out all I need to know about you in a split second. I will find your facebook, twitter, myspace (who does that tho), four square, linkedin, your favorite color, your blood type and any and everything about you. Its the world we live in and unfortunately its a necessity these days. So that girl who is always commenting on your page, that girl you say is your best friend, that other girl who has a "crush" on you, and that girl who is in the background of profile picture 75 of 160...yea...i know that's your girlfriend. But don't worry...your secret is safe with me... you cheatin ass cheater.

Facebook Creepin..

Facebook.com...or as I like to call it procrastination.com or bored.com, is slowly turning into a stalkers paradise. Where else can you look through hundreds of photos of someone, read their random thoughts via status updates, and find out that they like Chipotle burritos, Lil Wayne, and "slapping who ever drank the last of the milk." Well, maybe Myspace...but what am I? 12? No. Even without looking at a person's page almost everything they do, comment on, or like shows up in that damn creepfeed. Its pretty much impossible to go on facebook without accidentally stalking/creeping someone that you may or may not know. We've all found ourselves looking at photo 457 of 765 photos while sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips when we are supposed to be writing page 7 of our 15 page research paper. I guess its only natural to be curious about the lives of others, but just like most things in life, there are certain rules that one should follow while Facebook creeping someone else. And of course I'm here to share with you these very very important rules. Thank me later.

1. Just like fight club the number one rule of Facebook creeping is to NEVER talk about facebook creeping. I'll explain. How weird would it be if you just happen to mention to a person you barely know how much fun it looked like they were having on the service trip they took to Guatemala 2 summers ago? You were obviously creeping their photo albums...and even though everyone does it, it is not acceptable to talk about it. So if that person that you had a group project with last semester happens to mention that very service trip...look shocked and surprised because your ass is def not supposed to know about it.

2. NEVER creep on someone in the library or on other public computers. You do realize that people walk behind you all the time in the library and in computer labs right? Therefore they can see that you are creeping photos from the beach trip that your crush just took. So chances are, while you are drooling over how fine he looks in those swim trunks, they are staring at you like wtf are you are doing. Even worse, what if the person you are creeping walks by and sees you staring at their page. That's pretty much a situation that you can NEVER recover from.

3. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT creep someone from your cell phone. Almost every other day I accidentally like someones status because my phone is retarded. Actually, that happened to me today when I wasn't even creeping anyone. I was simply scrolling through my news feed and liked a status that had NOTHING to do with me belonging to someone I barely know. With the popularity of touch screen phones you'd be surprised how many things I've accidentally liked or how many people I've accidentally poked. (Poking is lame btw...don't do it.)

4. Keep your creeping to the people on your friends list. I know its hard...you go on a friends page to make a wall post and see a post from a person you don't know at the very top. You wonder who they are, click on their page, and next thing you know you're looking at their '07 prom and graduation pics. You took it way to far with the creeping, considering you only have that one friend in common. Its really weird to creep people that you don't know AT ALL. We've all done it though. Your friend has a new girl friend...lets facebook her. Cute guy writes on your best friends page....how does she know him? Take a deep breath and resist the urge to look through all 678 photos of this person.

5. Finally, if you insist upon creeping people back to the very existence of their facebook page, ABSOLUTELY, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LIKE OR COMMENT ON ANY POST THAT PRE-DATES YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDSHIP!! I don't think I can stress this one enough. Its written in all caps for goodness sakes, and I hate when people do that shiz. If we just become friends today and tomorrow I see you liked a status I made 2 years ago...I will know that you are a creeper and will be forced to put you on limited profile view along with my mom, little sister, and ex boyfriend. And no one wants to be banished into the land of limited profile view...its embarrassing. So control your urge to press the like button.

I hope that these rules help all my fellow facebook creepers of the world. There's almost 500 million people on facebook...so happy creeping =)