Last week a friend of mine was telling us about her new boyfriend. He sounded kind of awesome so of course I had to ask to see a picture of him. "Just pull up his facebook" I said. But to the shock and awe of everyone in the room she said that they were NOT friends on facebook. As in...they both have a facebook...but they weren't friends. I couldn't have been more shocked than if she would have said he had a 12 inch penis...growing out of his forehead. WTF do you mean you aren't facebook friends with your BOYFRIEND. How are you going to stalk him endlessly all day as well as that b*tch who keeps liking all of his photos? Who is that B*tch?! This day in age, you aren't official until you are "facebook official" as in I see that little red heart next to "in a relationship with". But the more she talked about it the more it made sense to never EVER friend your boyfriend on facebook. LIKE ever. It also got me thinking one step further...what if we just banned ALL the couples from facebook? You know the ones I'm talking about. The one's whose wall to wall makes you want to VOM all over your keyboard! Maybe they just don't realize that they are really f*ckin annoying. But after this there is NO EXCUSE for your disgusting behavior. Sit down. Pen and paper. Write. These are the DO NOTS of being facebook official.
1.Kissy photos with annoying captions. Every time I see one of these pop up in my news feed I feel myself dry heaving. WHY in the world would you put a picture of you and your significant other tonguing each other down as your profile picture. I don't want to see that bullsh*t! Even worse are the captions that often accompany these cringe-worthy photos. Ex. Me and my BAE!!! I <3 him sooooo much. He's my world!!! Girl...u are gonna look real dumb when he plays your ass. I feel like only really insecure people do this. Its screams "Look at me!! Someone actually likes me enough to kiss me in front of a camera! Aren't you jealous of our love!" Barf. But what I think about most when I see these photos is how awkward it must have been to take that photo...
2. Being "THAT" girl. When I say this phrase...most of the girls of the world know exactly who I'm talking about. "THAT" girl is the one who makes every status about how much she looooves her boyfriend, how they are going to get married and blah blah. She likes every single action he does on facebook. He becomes a fan of Chipotle...who do you think is going to like it first. Yes...that crazy b*tch. All her profile pictures are of the two of them and she's always posting I love u's and hearts and shit all over his damn page. Basically marking her territory so other b*tches know this dude is taken...and his girlfriend will probably cut your ass if you try to talk to him. She's changed her last name to his last name...despite the fact that he has yet to put a 2 or more karat square cut diamond in white gold or platinum setting from Tiffany's on her finger. (That was really specific.) But the worst part about all of this is that if you go to his page...you wouldn't even know that he was in a relationship if it wasn't for this psycho chick writing all over his wall. All his statuses are about shit he actually cares about...like shoes, cars, and football. NOT his girlfriend. Its always awkward to see these one sided facebook relationships. He's probably going to cheat on you...
3.Annoying wall to wall conversations. We get it. You're head over heels in f*cking love. Yippee for you. That is no reason to subject me to your disgusting displays of facebook affection. The quickest way to get hidden from my news feed is to have a conversation on each others walls that is clearly meant to be texted or chatted or hell...sent in a damn smoke signal. Example:
GIRL:Babbbbyyyyy I miss you so much I can't want to see your face tonight for our date!!
GUY:I miss you tooo baby what do you want to eat tonight. I can pick you up something from the store
GIRL:I'll eat whatever you like because I'm really dumb and I only commented on your page to show everyone how in love we are and that we actually go on dates! All my single friends will be so jealous!
GUY:I looooveee you to baby <3 <3 <3
There is no reason I need to see a conversation about what you are going to eat for diner tonight in my news feed. TEXT that shit!
4.The dysfunctional couple. Whats worst than a couple that is over the top romantic and gross all the time? A couple that's ALWAYS fighting. Everybody is friends with at least one couple like this. Their relationship status changes daily. One minute they are in a relationship, then its complicated, then they are single then next week they are engaged. You can watch their fights play out all over facebook from melodramatic status updates to facebook comment wars. Its pathetic...and embarrassing. But honestly I live for these crazy ass people. I will pop me some popcorn and watch as their relationship crumbles right in front of me. You got to be on a whole other level to show all your drama like that. But if you want to keep acting like you are on an episode of Maury...I am obligated to watch and laugh my little ass off. Dont fight on facebook please...
The moral of this post is that if you so choose to be "facebook official" DON'T be annoying. I will find you...and I will make you read this. There's only so much of peoples love, PDA, and drama that I am equipped to handle at any given time. It makes you look stupid and even though you think all 600 of your friends care about how you and your girlfriend had such a great time eating sushi in the park...believe me...they don't. And sh*t...neither do I.
